BAD NEWS

It never fails. Just when you think your stomach can’t take any more bad news coming out of Washington, along comes a guy in a tux and a lady in a red dress.

ZHU ZHU PETS?

The hottest selling toy this season is the electronic hamster. Political pundits are buying them for their offices and giving them names like "Barack," "Nancy," "Harry," and the all-time favorite, "Barney." They even make terrific noises, just like Congress. Oink, oink.

UNEMPLOYMENT QUESTION

When will Obama really get serious about creating jobs?

When he realizes that he's in serious jeopardy of losing his.

SECRET SERVICE AND THE SUGAR PLUMB FAIRY

Well, if they can do it, why can't I?

With that reasoning, I got all dressed up in a fancy Buster Crab business suit and headed for the side door at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. When I reached the gate, Secret Service came out of its little caddy shack and asked me what I wanted.

"I'm here to see the President," I replied.

"What's your name. Let me see your I.D. Do you have an appointment?"

"List," I answered, as I handed him eight S&H Green Stamps sealed in plastic. "I don't need an appointment."

His furrowed eyebrows raised, "First name?"

"End of."

"Endof?"

"Yes, End of. I contributed $10 million to the President's election campaign, and he's invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner with the family."

"Ahh, yes. Here's your name at the bottom of the sheet. Just pull up to the side door and the officer there will escort you in."

At the side door, the officer said, "They told me you were coming, Mr. List, and I had to go all of the way to the bottom of the sheet to find your name. It's out of order. What until I straighten out Rambo on Monday about this inefficiency. Follow me in, I'll take you upstairs."

We went down a long hallway to where a military type was sitting outside a door. He must have been to the beach. "Redneck," I observed.

He immediately opened the satchel that was by his side. "Turkey Dinner," he muttered, as the blood drained from his face.

"Baked potatoes?" I asked.

"Oh, my God! What do I do next?"

"Nuke Iran," I was kidding.

As the officer ushered me in, I could hear the guy at the door saying to someone on the red phone in the satchel, " I KNOW he doesn't look like the President, but he had the codes, man!"

And there he was, the President in all of his glory, decked out in a genuine Martha Stewart designer bathrobe and waiting to greet me. "Hiya there, Mr. List! I really want to thank you for your campaign donations. Glad to have you over for dinner. Maybe we should start by having a beer out on the lawn?"

"No, thank you Mr. President. There's too many cops and professors out there at the picnic table. Anyway, aren't you worried about your Secret Service guys? I mean, with all of the news about the party crashers and everything?"

To which he responded...

TOMORROW IS BLACK FRIDAY?

Obama hasn't even been in office a year yet, and already he has a holiday?

Well, hold on to your change purses, because you're going to need every dime you have left to pay for the Health Care Bill, Cap & Trade, and the war in Afghanistan next year.)

CONGRESSIONAL DESSERTS

Since Congress only has a 21% approval rating, maybe they should finish off their Thanksgiving dinner with an ample slice of humble pie.

QUESTION ABOUT SARAH PALIN

Palin seems to represent fiscal responsibility, adherence to moral values, anti-abortion, ethics....

Do we presume that, when it comes to those values, those who despise Sarah Palin are of the opposite view?

SOTS, SAPS AND SENATORS

Synonyms

AN AMERICAN OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

MAMMOGRAMS AND CERVICAL CANCER SCREENING: CONFUSED?

New Government-Run Health Care Plan...

Get used to it.

WHY UFO'S COME TO U.S.

Why wouldn't they? We're the only country on the planet that welcomes illegal aliens!

MY DEAREST SENATOR REID...

In response to your recent epistle...

Take your Government-Run Health Care Plan and stick it.

With kindest personal regards,

A Baby Boomer

HOUSE OF MALADROITS AND DUNDERHEADS

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC

(Just how many billions did we spend in those non-existent Congressional Districts to stimulate all of those jobs, anyway?)

OBAMAS TAKES ANOTHER BOW

This time, he bowed to the Japanese Emperor... Odds are he apologized for America's dropping of nukes to end WWII, as well.

Isn't he sooooo sweet?

ILLEGAL ALIENS

I wonder whether there are as many illegal Muslims in this country as there are illegal Mexicans.

THE OBAMA TRIALS - DAY 3 AND COUNTING

Day 1 was Friday, November 13, 2009. The Justice Department announced it is bringing top Gitmo terrorists to New York for trial. We will count every day until the last trial is over. These trials shall be known as "The Obama Trials," since he is the one who defied American opinion and ordered them anyway.

COUNTING ON OBAMA

President Obama stopped at Elmendorf AFB on his way to Asia and spoke to the troops. He said he has now, at last, been to 50 states. I guess that means he only has seven more to go?

HAPPY FRIDAY 13TH

From your pals in Washington: Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Egor.

WHAT DO MAO TSE TUNG, HUGO CHAVEZ AND KARL MARX ALL HAVE IN COMMON?

They're all on Barack Obama's most read list.

(You don't suppose they were all racists, do you?)

DUNN DONE

I think the Maoist who launched an all-out attack on FOX News is done done.

NANCY PELOSI

The Wicked Witch from Hell,
Sits on the right hand of the messiah...
She surely ain't no delightful belle,
And indeed should go bye byah.

FAST WAY TO MAKE $1 TRILLION

Take up a collection to remove our dip-shit President, his Maoist staff and Congress.

(Gosh, would that make unemployment rise to 10.3%?)

THE GAY MARRIAGE DEBATE

The gays scream and holler that straights have no right pushing their view on the gays. Okay, I accept that argument and, on that basis, the gays have no right pushing their view on straights.

Now, if the gays want it both ways, (pardon the play on words), they'll find less resistance to their agenda in Mexico, because most of the Mexicans have moved here....

HIGH POINT OF HEALTH CARE PLAN

It has been determined that, when you put the House version of the Health Care Plan on top of the Senate version, the resulting pile is a very tall tale.

ONLY 768 MORE TO GO

And Mexico will be empty.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

Now that we have an idiot for President, no one is complaining about the price of gas anymore.

20 MILLION AMERICANS UNEMPLOYED

Maybe that's why stores have had their Christmas decorations up since Labor Day...

115 BANKS FAIL SO FAR THIS YEAR

The Tarp and Stimulus Plans have saved the economy!

God bless the messiah!

Let's show our deep appreciation by rewarding his holiness with the passage of the Government-run Health Care Plan.

NBC + MSNBC =

PMS