STATISTICS SHOW

62.683% of Americans turn to another channel or turn their TV off completely whenever Obama gets on the tube. 

WHICH BRINGS TO MIND A SERIOUS QUESTION

If Michelle Obama were to run, could she beat Barack?  (Of course.  ANYBODY could beat Obama.) 

MICHELE, MICHELE FOR PRESIDENT!

I'll bet that ticks Michelle off to no end....

NEW YORK GAYS CAN MARRY!

What about straights?  Can they marry, too? 

CHLOROFORM

Commonly used to keep young children to keep from yelling or screaming when locked into the trunk of a car. Also commonly used to induce sleepiness. 

PETER FALK

So long, Columbo

When you get it figured out, let me know...

 

HOW CONGRESS RESOLVES BUDGET CRISIS

All talk and no action. 

IF BRINGING 10,000 TROOPS HOME IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA...

Why don't we being them all home?  Either we're in war, or we're not; there can be no middle ground when it comes to the subject of war. 

OH HAPPY DAY!

Obama's going to make another speech!

DID CASEY DO IT?

No, the duct tape did it. 

IF THEY GRANT ANY MORE WAIVERS ON OBAMACARE...

You and I may be the only ones left on it.  Don't forget to fork over your half of the tab... 

MORE OF NOTHING

Out of 200 channels, I used to watch eight.  Now, I have 250 channels and watch seven. 

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

Ask what time it will arrive.

ONE MORE THING ABOUT WEINER...

He's not all a 'twitter anymore. 

THE WEINER'S OUT!

And Nancy Pelosi reacts...

IF OBAMA LOSES

The nation will be able to watch TV again. 

WHY CONGRESS CANNOT PASS A MEANINGFUL BUDGET REDUCTION

Obama will veto it. 

BIGGEST LIE OF THE MONTH AWARD

Obama says he would resign if he was Weiner.  (Well, since he IS a Wiener, why won't he resign?)

THE BOOK OF MORMON

The musical comedy garnered awards in the Tonys, while Brigham Young and Joseph Smith rolled over in their graves. 

WEINER LANDS NEW JOB

He's going to sell hot dogs in Coney Island in his shorts.  (I wonder if they'll come with buns?)

THE BRILLIANCE OF WOMEN

Sending themselves cell phone text messages from their computers... and then answering them. 

RAISING CAIN

Herman is like a good pastry in a bake shop... On the rise. 

WHO HAS THE REAL POWER IN WASHINGTON: Top Three

George Soros
Andrew Stern
John DiFronzo

EUROPEAN E-COLI

Shut up and eat your greens. 

SHACKED

John Edwards with Rielle Hunter.  (No, she's NOT the gal who got the lewd Weiner Twitter)

ROMNEY'S RUNNING

Please pass the gray poop on. 

GUESS WHO'S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?

John Edwards

JACK KEVORKIAN

Finally, he's a dead issue. 

WEINER, WEINER ON THE WALL

Who's the biggest wiener of all?  

RAISING THE DEBT CEILING

I just called MasterCard and told them to raise my credit limit.  They were nice and polite and told me they are not a wholly owned subsidiary of Congress. 

SHOCKING REVELATION! CASEY ANTHONY DIDN'T DO IT!

Caley Anthony committed suicide by accidental drowning and then buried herself. Casey wasn't even there; she was out dancing.