HOW TO LOWER YOUR SMARTPHONE BILL

Get the government to pay for it.  After all, they are a necessity, you know.  

OBAMA'S NEW JOB

He's giving tutoring lessons... in back-pedaling. 

WHAT OBAMA SAID TO TAXPAYERS WHEN HE DELIVERED HIS BUDGET

"Happy Valentine's Day, sweethearts!"

OBAMA DOES NOT EXIST

"The U.S. Government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or than an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race." ~ Phil Larson of the White House Science and Technology Department.  Therefore, Obama cannot exist.  

SO LONG, WHITNEY

You introduced so many of us to great music. 

GREECE JOB

I would surmise that, should Greece file bankruptcy and the European Union should fail, that would be known as a "Greece Job?"

ROMNEY THE DIP

They say that, inspite of recent political wins, Romney's national lead is dipping.  So, I vote that from now on, he shall be known as "Romney, the Dip." 

DONALD TRUMP LIKES MITT ROMNEY

Maybe they'll carve their initials in a tree on the White House lawn. 

OBAMA'S NOT SO SMART

He set up ObamaCare to cut care to seniors and save money, but he doesn't realize that after they die he can no longer collect their taxes. 

IF OBAMA TRULY BELIEVES IN JESUS...

Why is he always doing unto others what they do not want done?

IF THEY HATE THE RICH SO MUCH...

Why are they always buying lottery tickets? 

NASA WANTS MAN ON THE MOON

NASA wants to put another man on the moon.  I vote we just send Obama back there.  Don't you think he's really from outer space? 

ARE YOU ON THE LIST?

Once upon a time, they called it the "Nixon Enemy List."  Now, it's the Obama Enemies List.  If you're name is on it, you're ass is grass.  Right, Rush?

OBAMA'S NEW JOBS PLAN IS LIKE A SUPERBOWL

PUNT! 

HOW TO ANNOY A LIBERAL

Vote for Newt. 

SUSPENSE

Today's the big Republican Primary vote in Florida.  I wonder if they're going to end up arguing over chads again. 

SHREWD NANCY

Pelosi picked the right district to live in.  No way could she get more than two votes in any other district in the country. 

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Was the last time a politician said something nice about his opponent. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty has a great fall
And all of the king's horse and all of the king's men
Couldn't put Obama back together again. 

SPEAKING OF NEWT'S PROBLEMS WITH HIS EX-WIFE

What ever happened to Monica Lewinsky? 

MITT'S NEW NICKNAME

FANG. 

WHY6 WE HAVEN'T HEARD MORE ABOUT MONDAY NIGHT'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

It was on NBC.  No one was watching. 

CARNIVAL CRUISE ANNOUNCEMENT

Ocean cruise ship for sale, cheap.  4,000 person capacity plus crew.  Captain included free.  Slight damage, needs TLC. 

JOE PATERNO

Joe has died and will most assuredly soon be in grave condition. 

WHAT DOROTHY DID NOT SEE IN KANSAS IN THE WIZARD OF OZ?

An oil pipeline. 

SEVEN INDICTED FOR INSIDER TRADING

None of which were Members of Congress because Members of Congress made themselves immune from the law.  (Correct, Madame Pelosi?) 

ROMNEY SHOULD NOT RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS

Until Obama releases his birth certificate.

PRETEND YOU'RE ON A CRUISE....

Every time I see a picture of that cruise ship, laying on its side in total distress, I think of America's national debt. 

DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS

I hate to say it, but Romney looked like one several times Monday night in the Fox Debates.  Other times, he looked a little sleazy, like a used car salesman. 

AND THEN THERE IS THE WOMAN WITH TWO VAGINAS

She's been on talk shows recently and no, her name is NOT Nancy Pelosi. 

CRUISING COMMENT

"I don't know about you, but I've got this sinking feeling..."

RICK PERRY ASKS

Are you better off now than you were $4 trillion ago? 

HOT SHOTS

KIM JONG UN, the new pipsqueak in Korea, fired off three missiles this last week.  He's waiting for Obama to go there and bow? 

OBAMA'S DEBT MANAGEMENT STRATEGY

Give me $1.2 trillion more.  NOW.

BARBOUR SHOP

I beg your pardon!

AWAY WITH YOU, YOU DOLTS!

Prince Romney speaking of the other pretenders to the throne after his New Hampshire triumph. 

EXIT STAGE LEFT

The Pentagon, thanks to Premier Obama. 

RICK PERRY'S MEMORY RETURNS

Now he remembers the three departments he wants to axe: Commerce, Energy and.. and.. and.. Education.  Was that right? 

DARTH VADER BURGERS?

The Belgian fast food chain, Quick, is going to be offering a "Darth Vader Burger."  And here I thought Barack was going to be offering burgers with his Rose Garden beers. 

AFTER IOWA: What Was That Song?

"Michelle, Michelle... bye, bye Michelle."

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

Now on Lifetime on Friday nights.  FOX evidently decided that catching fugitives was no longer worth air time. 

THIS IS THE DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

The Iowa Caucus.  Certainly, this day will live in the annals of history.  Big whoopie!   Gosh.  Golly. 

THIS IS MY LAST POST

Unit next year...January 3rd.  Hopefully, this new year will be better than last, for all of us. 

PARLOR GAMES?

Nancy Pelosi is settling into $10,000 a night digs in Hawaii, as she did last year.  Obama is in Hawaii, too.  I wonder if Michelle knows about this? 

EXODUS BEGINS

Democratic Ben Nelson has announced he will not seek reelection.  He's a  smart man who doesn't want to see the numbers in November.   

WAR HORSE

That's what they call Obama on the golf course. 

REPLACE CONGRESS

With Sesame Street. 

FORGET WASHINGTON

Try and have a 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Is for Congress and the President to resign. 

NO CHRISTMAS CARD FROM YOUR CONGRESSMAN THIS YEAR

Too much postage and they're trying to balance the budget. 

ENJOY CHRISTMAS IN A SPECIAL WAY THIS YEAR

It will be Obama's last Christmas.  The Mayan Calendar ends on December 21, 2012. 

KIM JONG

Is no longer "IL."

OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

You know, there's not a damned name out there on either side that I really want to vote for.  Where's Mickey Mouse when you desperately need him? 

OBAMA'S POLLS

Are lower than a snake's belly. 

DILEMMA: IF CONGRESS EVER STANDS UP AND DOES ITS JOB...

200 Million Americans will die of heart failure. 

CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND ON REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE?

Maybe we should have another debate...

DID OBAMA CHEAT?

They're saying that Obama may not have qualified for the Indiana presidential race in 2008.  Evidently, there was massive fraud in the process.  Now, I'm sure Obama had nothing to do with that, aren't you?  

Gimmee an "A"
Gimmee a "C"
Gimmee an "O-R-N!"

ROMNEY MUST BE DESPERATE

He got Christine O'Donnell to endorse him. 

PELOSI RIPS CATHOLICS

Nancy Pelosi is ticked off at the Catholic Church for taking a stand against her beloved ObamaCare bill, because the bill provides for birth control contraceptives.  Some businesses may have to provide the coverage against their moral objections.  She is whining about "this conscience thing," as if she had a conscience anyway.  

UNMITIGATED GALL

So, Obama threatened Congress they had better pass his payroll tax cut or they're going to have to spend Christmas in session.  It's too important for the American people.  

And just where do you think our pal Barry is going to be if that happens?  Hawaii on a 17 day vacation. 

WHY DOES OBAMA VISIT HAWAII SO OFTEN?

He likes to be close to his birth certificate. 

BARNEY FRANKFARTER HEADING FOR SPORTS JOB

CNN just reported the actual reason Barney Frank retired

was to become an Assistant Football Coach at Penn State.

NEW MOVIE ABOUT OBAMA

"ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"

IF OUR GOVERNMENT LOAD GETS ANY HEAVIER

Washington will fall off into the Potomac. 

PELOSI THREATENS GINGRICH

This sounds like Pearl Harbor Day, all over again.  Go ahead, Miss Prim & Proper: make my day.  (As if she thinks HER poo poo doesn't stink.)

WHY WE FUND THE PENTAGON

The Iranians claim they shot down an unmanned U.S. drone.  After 48 hours of being unsure, the Pentagon says they think they are missing a drone from Afghanistan and they're working to try and find out where it is.  Give those guys a raise and put them in charge of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.   

POST OFFICE SOLUTION

The Post Commission answer as to how to get the USPO out of red ink is..... slow down the delivery service and raise rates.  (Uhh, I hate to say this, but if this idea was going to work, the USPO would already be making billions of dollars in profits.)   

CHRISTMAS DEAL

Do NOT try to impose your atheistic views on me and I will not pray for your soul. 

WE COULD CLOSE DOWN CONGRESS & THE WHITE HOUSE

Without raising unemployment by more than .01%. 

VOTING PRIORITIES

If any Republican candidate except Romney wins, I will vote for them against Obama.  If Romney wins, I’ll be at the bar, drinking. 

OFF TO NEVER, NEVERLAND

Michael Jackson's attorney. 

GOVERNMENTAL QUESTION OF THE YEAR

What do you call a bus load of Congressmen going over a cliff?  

Bye, bye now.  

What do you call the same bus going over the cliff with three empty seats? 

A dirty, rotten, crying and ugly tragedy. 

WHY CONGRESS IS LIKE THE NBA

All they want to do is run around and play with their balls. 

THE EPITOME OF "THE DARK SIDE"

Congress and the President. 

IF I WAS A MEMBER OF CONGRESS

I'd be too damned embarrassed to show my face in public. 

MOVING DAY

I suppose we could move Congress and the President out onto Alcatraz Island and then have it secede from the Union...

CONGRESS & THE PRESIDENT

They'll be the only people out spending our money this Christmas season...

MY THANKSGIVING DAY PRAYER

Please God, shut down our government until after the 2013 Inauguration. 

MICHELLE AND JILL WENT TO THE RACES

At the NASCAR Races in Homestead, Florida, Michelle Obama and Jill Biden were warmly welcomed with lots of "Booooooooooooos."  Look for taxes to go up at the race tracks next year.  

Really, you shouldn't laugh at that, you lazy American.  It's not nice.  

ONE THING WE WILL NOT BE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS

A full accounting of the stimulus and TARP money. 

I FOUND HIM! I FOUND HIM!

The turkey is in the White House!

OBAMA'S UNCLE WANTS AMNESTY

That's right... Onyango Obama, another illegal alien from Kenya who has been fighting deportation for 12 years, wants amnesty.  He was recently arrested in Framingham, MA on a drunk driving charge, but there is no evidence that he'd been having a beer with his nephew in the Rose Garden. 

BANKRUPT

Obama's ideology. 

THERE'S NO OUTHOUSE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Which, of course, explains why everyone there is full of s--t. 

AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE IS....

WALLY CLEAVER

THE OPPOSITE OF "PATRIOTS"

Congress. 

PELOSI'S BLOOMERS

OBAMA'S TRIP TO HAWAII

Maybe THIS time he can come back with a real, genuine birth certificate?

THANK GOD FOR JOE PATERNO

Herman Cain is no longer the eye of the storm. 

IT'S 11-11-11

The world ended 11 minutes, 11 seconds ago; you are now officially a figment of your own imagination.... unless you're a Democrat, of course.     

THE REAL QUESTION FOR CAIN

Was he born in the United States? 

SMOKIN' JOE

So long, Mr. Frazier.  Smokin' Joe ain't smokin' no more. 

BUSY BODY

No wonder Herman Cain never accomplished anything in his life; he was too busy chasing women around the office. 

OKLAHOMA HAS AN EARTHQUAKE

Shake those grits, baby. 

ANDY ROONEY

One of those Great American Icons who brought us some order to our lunacy.  Via con Dios. 

RIDDLE

Question:  Who knew nothing, saw nothing and heard nothing? 

Answer: Eric Holder, the fast and furious Attorney General. 

CAIN'S AD: THE SMOKER

With all of the ruckus being created over that ad, all I can say is that God the guy wasn't fat as well. 

ONE OF CAIN'S ACCUSERS

Her name is Jennifer Flowers. 

Just kidding.  Just kidding. 

JUST REMEMBER THIS...

A vote for Obama means more change. 

WHAT OBAMA FEARS MOST

That we WILL cling on to our guns and religion.