MANIFESTO

STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH

BRENNAN GRILLED

Over easy, no steak sauce. 

BREASTS, BUTTOCKS BANNED BY CBS FOR GRAMMY'S

There's going to be some really weird looking women at that event! 

BUSHES HACKED!!!

No, no, this is not a porno site.  The Bush emails have been hacked.  Word is they're blaming Obama. 

TOO BAD O.J. WASN'T AT THE SUPER BOWL

They wouldn't have run out of juice... (I don't think he was out driving around in his Bronco)

INFLATION ROARS

Those of us who shop once a month got a big shock this week.  The average cart full of groceries went from $200 to $285; the pet shop tab almost doubled from $$65 to $110.  That's outrageous AND they've both down-sized everything!  At the butcher shop, however, my normal monthly $80 tab only went up to $85.  From now on, I'm doing all of my shopping at the butcher shop. 

CAN SCREAMS FOR HELP!

The budget can has been kicked down the road so many times that both of its lids are falling off and it's full of dents and scars, barely clinging on to life. 

KING RICHARD'S BODY FOUND

I always thought he was buried in Yorba Linda, California, next to his wife Patricia. 

HAGEL

Must never have had a good Jewish bagel.

SURPRISING DISCOVERY ON GLOBAL WARMING

Scientists hired by an agency of the Obama Administration have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that guns cause global warming.     

THE BIG GAME

Obama vs. The Truth

MOVING TARGET

National debt. 

PELOSI PROVIDES RELIGIOUS ANSWER

She has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that politicians have no souls. 

THE IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY

Starring Barack Hussein Obama, "The Omnipotent One."

IF THE OMNIPOTENT ONE HAD BRAINS...

He really would be dangerous. 

DIRECTIONAL MALFUNCTION

Those on the left are rarely right. 

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO LAME BRAINED LIBERALS...

That the Right to Bear Arms is a 2nd Amendment right and abortion is not? 

NEW QUANDRY

There I was, stuck in a foxhole and taking fire from three enemy positions.  I stuck my head out long enough to fire a burst of ammo at one of them and was astonished to hear my partner in the foxhole ask me to quit shooting.  "I've got a headache," she said. 

USELESS AS TITS ON A BOAR HOG

Congress.

QUESTION OF THE CENTURY

The November elections proved that at least half of the country is against the debt, spending and the current management of the government.  If the Republicans won't stand up and represent that 50%, who will? 

TACTICAL EVASION

Hillary Clinton in Congress. 

HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR OBAMA

Barry, old chap.  Tell you what... You can have unlimited control of the debt ceiling when you agree that we don't have to pay any more taxes. 

EVEN DURING AN INAUGURATION...

Bill Clinton Never Misses a Trick...

BASEBALL LOSES TWO GREATS

Stan Musial and Earl Weaver.  When Stan swung the bat, the music of baseball happened.  When Earl Weaver left the dugout, umpires cringed.  Now, they're both going on to "extra innings."

FANTASY ISLAND

Where all of the Te'os go.  

OBAMA'S NEW GUN CONTROL IDEA

If he keeps spending our money and raising taxes, pretty soon no one will be able to afford to own a gun. 

BUSINESS

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO OBAMA IF HE KEEPS STICKING HIS NOSE INTO MY BUSINESS....

PRESIDENTIAL BLACKMAIL

EITHER YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR I'LL QUIT PAYING THE MILITARY AND I'LL STOP SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS. 

NO LONGER A BIG WHEEL

Lance Armstrong

SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES

Guns and ammo.  (Now, do you really think they have the guts to try to come and get them?) 

PELOSI'S NEW FLAT TAX

If you get a flat, they're going to tax it.

THE "OMNIPOTENT ONE"

Barry Soetoro, aka Barack Hussein Obama, (make sure you bow when you mention his name...)

$1 MILLION SEX-CHANGE OPERATION FOR CRIMINAL

Why don't they send that guy over to see me?  I'll do it for free.  (Hand me that paring knife, Eunice...)

HOW OBAMA FLUSHES THE TOILET

By Executive Order.

PERSPECTIVE

Every time I look at what Obama is doing to this country, I become more convinced that the Mayans were correct.  The world did end on December 21st and we all died and went to hell. 

OBAMA GETS RELIGION

President Obama, now sensitive to those who claim he is a Muslim, is making an overt attempt at displaying Christianity.  As a step in that endeavor, this year he has pledged to give up all of those campaign promises he made... for lent. 

REPEALING A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT

I hear through the grapevine that there's a movement on to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.  To date, there's been no denial from the White House. 

CHAD

It's hard to believe it, but it's been 12 years since they found out that chad was pregnant and living in Florida.  And, of course, since Chad was pregnant, George W. Bush won the Presidency, defeating Al Gore who, as we all know, invented the Internet. 

MORE THAN 100 BILLION ALIEN PLANETS

Scientists say there are more than 100 billion alien planets in our galaxy alone.  From a strictly gambling standpoint, that means the odds are more than 100 billion to one that you can't pick the one Obama comes from. 

REIGN

A one-word description of how Obama will govern us for the next four years.  

MY DOGGIE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

God Bless Patti Paige, a legend in her time.  My, what a great country we had in those days.   

OBAMA'S ENTITLEMENTS

There is growing concern among those in Washington about what title to use when addressing Obama:
Shah
Premier
Pharoah
Potentate
God
Fuhrer
Dictator
Czar
High Czar
Warlord
Absolute Monarch
Tsar
Oligarch
Master
Kaiser
Your Highness
Rajah
Sultan
Sheik
Emir
Khan
High Lama
Lord
Boss
or, simply "Cock of the Walk"

IF IT WAS UP TO ME...

I would personally push every last one of those idiots in Washington over the damned cliff myself. 

HAPPY

NEW YEAR

Why is it that every new year in this country brings us the same old problems? 

THERE'S NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR...

That Hillary Clinton and George H.W. Bush are holed up in a hotel room in downtown New York City. 

WHY IS IT...

That deaf people listen to what you are saying much more intently than people with perfectly good hearing? Is there any politician out there who can answer that question? 

PRICK

What they do to your finger when they want a quick blood test.  And you thought I was simply going to say, "Obama," didn't you? 

NOT TO WORRY

Thank God we don't have to worry about the "Fiscal Cliff," Iran, North Korea, Syria, Al Qaeda, Obama, Congress, or the IRS.  The world ended December 21st, remember? 

JACK KLUGMAN

A versatile actor has done his last scene. 

IT'S TRULY CHRISTMAS

Where I am on Saturday morning at 10:00 AM PST, the electricity has been off for ten hours.   Since my water comes from a well powered by electricity, I have no water and no stove.  My old desk top and my brand new desk top are both dark and silent.  My cell phone ran out of juice an hour ago and it's too dark to read.  The battery in this laptop will soon be dead. 


But, some things are good in life.  There's well over two feet of fresh snow on the ground and more coming; I couldn't get out of my driveway if I had to.  I can stand by the wood stove gazing out at the falling flakes while I contemplate breaking into the liquor cabinet or even popping some popcorn on that wood stove.  I'm so totally isolated; even Obama can't get to me. 


And so it is, my friends, that I sign off a day early for the Christmas holiday.  I'll be back on Wednesday the 26th, presuming that the electricity will be back on by then.  Cheers!

BAD MISTAKE

Thursday, I was bad-mouthing Obama because I knew that yesterday was going to be the end of the world.  Well, the end of the world didn't come and I now have a front yard full of Secret Service agents.  Maybe they'll go away if I send out a Columbian hooker...

MAYAN QUESTION

If the world ends before this day is over, who is going to take down the Christmas decorations? 

WHAT'S WORSE?

The 27 deaths in Newtown, or the horde of relentless, prodding reporters, photographers and cameramen sticking their lenses and microphones into every face, nook and cranny while all the town wants to do is to stop and take in what has happened and to start dealing with it? 

HOLY CELL PHONE, BATMAN!

Wouldn't it be nice if the President could ring everybody's cell phone in the entire country when he had something to say? 

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

The Republicans caused Hillary Clinton so much stress that she fainted and had a concussion, and now she can't testify about Benghazi. 

MIND BOGGLING QUESTION

Why does a Ford pickup with Virginia plates have a Confederate flag in its rear window? 

NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT

MAY GOD BLESS THE VICTIMS, THEIR FAMILIES AND THE COMMUNITY. 

BLUE SHIELD TO RAISE PREMIUMS ANOTHER 20%

Don't you lost LOVE how ObamaCare is costing us less?  Didn't they just raise their rates 20% a few months ago? 

POWER

Only Obama has it. 

HOW CONGRESS SPENDS CHRISTMAS VACATION

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/b4_EdJ-XkUA?rel=0

TODAY IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER DAY

Today is 12-12-12.  Only nine days left until the end of the Mayan Calendar.  You know what THAT means?  There will never ever be a 13-13-13. 

TODAY'S LESSON IN LEADERSHIP

Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi has backed down when faced with a country full of citizens ticked off over his dictatorial leadership demands.  That's a lesson every leader should learn... correct Barry? 

NEW TV SCHEDULE

As long as Obama keeps running around acting like he's God on the face of the Earth, maybe he should confine his speeches to the Sunday morning church hour. 

JOHN MCAFEE ENTERS HOSPITAL

He has a bad virus...

PULLING THE OLD SWITCHEROO

Suppose Syria's Assad defects to Egypt and Egypt's Morsi defects to Syria? 

REMEMBER

PEARL HARBOR DAY

Our President did not duck out on that

9/11

Our President did not duck out on that

BUT AS FOR BENGHAZI

?

TWO TERMS

Let's limit all US politicians to two terms, One in office - One in prison.
Then Hang 'em!

"MAGIC BEANS AND FAIRY DUST"

What the White House "Carney" barker called the GOP budget plan.  Bow wow. 

SCHOOLS TO HAVE MORE HOURS

Several states are adding up to 300 hours to their school years on the basis that our students need to have a better education.  From what I've seen lately, the more schooling a guy has the dumber he is.  Take Harvard grad Barack Obama, for instance...

CAN YOU IMAGINE OBAMA ON ANOTHER PLANET?

You can't just keep banishing him from planet to planet.  One of these days, someone is going to have to stand up to him. 

BENGHAZI MOTTO

If you don't want them to know the facts, dazzle them with bullshit. 

IN JUST 20 MORE DAYS...

The Mayan Calendar will end, and you know what that means? 

No more mayanaise. 

PSORIASIS

Members of Congress and the White House, i.e.: "They are all psoriasis."  (Pronounced "sorry asses")

ONLY UNCLE BEN KNOWS FOR SURE

Can Rice rise to the occasion? 

KHALID SHEIK MOHAMMED

Soon to be on trial in a criminal court New York City.  You don't like it?  T.S. 

WHAT OBAMACARE IS NOT

ObamaCare is not an entitlement; therefore, it cannot be considered for discussion regarding the Fiscal Cliff.  Just ask Barry.  But, watch them go after Social Security and Medicare. 

AS THE ECONOMY SAID TO THE COUNTRY...

"Hi.  I'm the Fiscal Cliff.  Drop over some time."

THE MOST UNWELCOME OBITUARY OF THE CENTURY

TWINKIES

HECTOR "MACHO" CAMACHO

One great box boy. 

LARRY HAGMAN

So long, J.R...  You were such a snarly character. 

IRISH TURKEY

 

SEE YOU MONDAY THE 26TH

COINCIDENCE

What are the odds that two women who knew each other and who were involved in top-military-brass sex scandals would end up visiting the White House on separate occasions for perfectly innocent visits?  Would you call that coincidence? 

TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED CLEARANCE

Any whore can get one.  

GAZA STRIP

What Palestian women do when they take off their Burqas. 

GUESS WHO DOCTORED THE "TALKING POINTS?"

You know those CIA talking points, the ones that Susan Rice says she used to base her statements that the Benghazi massacre was the result of video demonstrations?  Well, Petraeus has testified that the original CIA talking points approved by intelligence gods told the true story about Al Qaeda.  And who did the dirty deed of altering the documents?  

Rose Mary Woods. 

REPUBLICANS

Members if an extinct political party. 

COMPROMISE

The art of reaching a solution where the Democrat gets his way and the Republican caves in. 

SEX SCANDAL

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...

OBAMANISM

Ruling by absolute, irrefutable power. 

TWADDLE

PERFECT PLACE FOR A PRESIDENTIAL APOLOGY TOUR

Cambodia.  And a very happy Veterans Day to you, too. 

DEAD MEAT

Republican Party. 

OFF

Any chances of business hiring. 

THE REAL HEADLINE SHOULD BE...

MEDIA WINS ANOTHER ELECTION FOR OBAMA!

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

The phones quit ringing off the hook yesterday morning.  Thank God for that. 

TO THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE

Aren't you just sooo happy now that you engineered Romney into the Presidential candidate slot? 

UNDER WATER

Obama's campaign. 

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Obama's political gutter attacks. 

NEW OBAMA CAMPAIGN SLOGAN

Vote early.  Vote often.