SUGGESTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR

NEWS YOU CAN USE

The Mayan Calendar ended December 21, 2012.  Therefore, Obama does not exist. 

BAD NEWS FOR 2015

I hear the Government Printing Office gave Obama six new pads of blank Executive Orders for Christmas. 

HACK, HACK, HACK

No, I don't have a bad cold and I'm not mowing my lawn.  I'm talking about Sony, North Korean Internet, X-Box, etc. Cyber wars are here, but don't worry; we won't have any boots on the ground.    

NOW COMES THE TOUGH PART

Going through three garbage pick-up cycles before you get rid of all the Christmas boxes, wrappings and decorations. 

MERRY CHRISTMS FROM THE ZINGER

PENNSYLVANIA'S CHRISTMAS GIFT TO OBAMA

One huge, big lump of coal. 

QUANDARY

North Korea denies it hacked Sony; F.B.I. says we have the evidence to prove they did.  The question is this: since both North Korea and the Obama Administration have extensive records of lying, who do you believe? 

SONY'S NEW MANTRA

We've got emails. 

IT ALL DEPENDS UPON YOUR POINT OF VIEW

AS OBAMA SEES HIMSELF

AS THE WORLD SEES OBAMA

OBAMA HAS RELATIONS WITH CUBA

I wonder what Michelle has to say about that...

WERE THE THREE WISE MEN REALLY...

The Three Bushes? 

WISH I COULD GET A JOB LIKE THAT

So, Jonathan Gruber got paid almost $6 million for writing ObamaCare, but he didn't write it? 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Terrorists hijack out planes and run them into the Pentagon, World Trade Center and the ground in Shanksville and we don't have the right to ask questions and demand answers?  We can send drones out to kill them, but we can't put them in a room and ask questions or use water boarding to get answers?  

I  beg your pardon, Madam Feinstein, but just who do you think you're putting on?  

DUMB AND BLIND

Congressional leaders denying they ever had any knowledge of C.I.A. Enhanced Interrogation Techniques. 

PSYCHONEUROTIC

GOOD ONE

Excuse me, Ms. Feinstein, but if you don't believe in torture, why did you foist ObamaCare upon the American public? 

MAJOR DEADLINE

Obama has only two years to finish "fundamentally changing America."  Sleep well tonight. 

MARY LANDRIEU

Bye, bye now....

OBAMA'S EVERLASTING LEGACY

The very first anti-American president, Black or white.  

CONGRESSIONAL LUNCH

Fried Gruber sandwich. 

WHY OBAMA HAS ACID REFLUX

Every morning, he gets up and looks in the mirror. 

ANOTHER BOTCHED RESCUE ATTEMPT

Kind of reminds you of Jimmy Carter and Operation Eagle Claw, doesn't it? 

A ROLLING STONE

Gathers no news. 

OBAMA'S EQUALITY

Let the blacks burn down America and make the whites rebuild it. 

SANTA CLAUS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR

He gave 4 or 5 million illegal aliens legal status in the U.S. and "amnesty."  And just to show you how generous he is... he's going to let you pay for it. 

BENGHAZI

What about it? 

HANG THE DAMNED GRAND JURY

Get it over with!  Lynch them!  Burn the courthouse down! 

Let anarchy reign. 

OBAMA'S GENUINE BIRTH CERTIFICATE FINALLY SURFACES

INVASION OF ALIEN BEINGS

They come from the planet of Mexico. 

WATCH OUT FOR MAD DOG REID

He's been back in Searchlight, soaking up nasty pills. 

COLD TURKEY

Thanksgiving Dinner in New Hampshire. 

CORNCOB

Someone should take one and shove it up Obama's....... posterior. 

NOT IN THE MOOD

Even as a patriotic American, somehow I'm not in the mood to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. 

NATION'S HYPOCRITE IN CHIEF

"We are a nation built on the rules of law." ~ Barack Hussein Obama, November 24, 3014 to residents of Ferguson, Missouri, just days after his November 20th announcement that he will not enforce immigration and border laws. 

RACISM

The Great Racial Divider, Barack Obama, says there is still racism in this country.  I guess what he is saying is that he is the way he is because he is Black and that we therefore have no right to criticize him, or we're racists. 

BE HONEST NOW

Would you really invite Obama over for Thanksgiving dinner? 

OBAMA'S BIGGEST PROBLEM

He's no longer a laughing matter. 

AMERICA'S #1 BEST SELLER

IMPEACH

JONATHAN GRUBER...

Doesn't his family make baby food? 

MORALLY AND ETHICALLY BANKRUPT

Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama

THE REAL REASON OBAMA INSISTS ON AMNESTY

He migrated to the U.S. illegally from Kenya himself???

DANGER, MR. ROBINSON... DANGER!

If Nancy Pelosi had a brain, she'd be dangerous. 

DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?

Obama and his dream team just took a historical besting in the November elections.  Wouldn't you think he would have gotten the message?  Normal people would, but he didn't.  

Psychopaths also fail to get the message.  

Do you understand now? 

GOOD MORNING THERE, STUPID

What do you think about your beloved ObamaCare now? 

WAS OBAMA REALLY BORN IN HAWAII?

No.  He crawled out from underneath a lava flow. 

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Wags have been saying for six years now that it's time for Obama to lead, as if it was actually going to happen. 

THE REAL REASON OBAMA IS DOWN IN THE POLLS

Americans simply just don't like him anymore. 

SO... OBAMA'S GOING TO CHINA?

WOW... I'll bet they're just so excited... 

OBAMA MANTRA

Okaly, all of you Republicans...
You had your big day.  Now sit down and shut up. 

OBAMA NEEDS TO GO TO CHURCH TODAY

He needs to give his soul to God, because his ass now belongs to Americans. 

I UNDERSTAND THAT

Obama is going to change his name from Barack to Ishmael. 

LOST IN SPACE

MESSAGE

Well, if THAT election doesn't send Obama a message, nothing ever will. 

DEWEY WINS!!!

IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE IT...

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO VOTE!

WHY VOTE?

YOU COULD HAVE A BIG PROBLEM

Daylight Savings Time ended last night.  If you didn't sleep in an hour extra this morning, you have lost the opportunity forever.  Blame Bush.  

BAD NEWS, DUKE

On this day in 921, Richard, Duke of Burgundy died.  On this day in 955, Henry the 1st, Duke of Bavaria died.  On this day in 1399, John the 5th, Duke of Brittany died.  Oh, and by the way, Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet.  

What a  great way to start off the month...

IT COULDN'T HAPPEN TOO SOON

OBAMA IN ACTION

Obama moved back to Kenya Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  However, the next day when the farmer drove up he said," Sorry son, but I have some bad news. . . the donkey died!"
  
Obama replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".  The farmer said, "Can't do that.  I went and spent it already".  Well then", said Obama, "just bring me the dead donkey".  
  
  The farmer asked, "What in the world are you gonna do with a dead donkey"?    
  
  "Raffle him off" said Obama
  
  The farmer replied "You can't  raffle off a dead donkey!".  
  
  "Sure I can - just watch me" said Obama.  "I just won't tell anyone he's dead".
  
  A month later the farmer met up with Obama and asked, "What ever happened with that dead donkey?"
  
  Obama said, "I raffled him off just like I said I would.  I sold 500 tickets at $2 a ticket and made a profit of $898.
  
  The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?".
  
  "Just the guy who won", Obama said, "so I gave him back his $2."

HALLOWEEN HORROR MOVIE

GOOD GOD!!! EVEN AT THE NORTH POLE!!!

MAKE CERTAIN OBAMA IS IN BED BY MIDNIGHT

Or he'll turn into a pumpkin!

THE REAL J.V. TEAM

Obama and the Red Hots

FASTEST ANIMAL ON EARTH

A Democratic political candidate running from an Obama endorsement. 

WORLD SERIES

There was talk of having a World Series of Politics, but they couldn't find any team to qualify. 

WORDS NO DEMOCRAT WANTS TO HEAR

“The bottom line is, though, these are all folks who vote with me. They have supported my agenda in Congress,” said President Barack Hussein Obama. 

STAMPEDE

Getting up and waking out during an Obama speech.  Maybe, just maybe, Americans are finally opening their eyes and ears. 

EBOLA CZAR

Why didn't they pick Hillary?  She did a pretty good job of handling the Benghazi thing...

QUESTION OF THE DECADE

What do you fear most: Ebola or the government? 

ARE YOU A RACIST?

Liberals are now claiming that those who have fears and complain about Ebola are racists.

JUXTAPOSITION

1. According to the President, the probability of anyone getting the Ebola disease in the U.S. is extremely low

2.  Also extremely low is the probability that the President is telling the truth on any given subject at any time. 

"INHERENT RESOLVE"

Voted "JOKE OF THE YEAR" by former military personnel. 

HECHO EN MEXICO

The reason no U.S. boots will be on the ground in Iraq. 

OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH PLACE DISCOVERED!!!

DOES ANYONE EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME?

ANDREW TAHMOORESSI

WHY HILLARY IS NOT WORRIED ABOUT IDENTITY THEFT

Who in the country wants to pretend they are Hillary Clinton? 

WHY HILLARY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT

She wants to continue the Benghazi coverup. 

HELP WANTED

Will some newspaper please publish a story outlining the fact that our southern border is wide open, so that Obama will read it, realize there is a problem and DO something about it? 

OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

STARK, TERRIFYING FEAR

Having an member of I.S.I.S. who is sick with Ebola living next door and Obama saying, "There's no reason to be concerned." 

NO CAUSE FOR WORRY

Just make sure you are signed up for ObamaCare and bend over. 

BEHEADING WAS "WORKPLACE VIOLENCE"

The perpetrator deserves at least ten days off without pay and mandatory anger management classes.   

GOVERNMENT'S ANSWER TO EBOLA CRISIS

Keep the borders wide open. 

SHOE

Why is it that with this Administration we are always waiting for the next shoe to drop? 

LAME DUCK PRESIDENCY?

No, it's a lame-brain Presidency. 

IT'S NOT A WAR

It's just a spat. 

ADT

Not in charge of White House security. 

KNOWELDGE 101

We all know what it will take to defeat I.S.I.S.  But, do we know what it will take to defeat those who subvert and mismanage our government in November? 

NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND

Doesn't it bother you that our troops are going to be barefoot in Iraq? 

MILITARY ADVISER

Window dressing for the Oval Office. 

SLIM AND NONE

The odds that a U.S. Mosque will divulge the presence within its walls of a radical Islamic terrorist. 

HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT?

What difference at this point does it make? 

TERRORISTS TO ATTACK N.Y. SUBWAY

Oh my God!  And Holder is leaving?  Shit!  Who's going to protect us?  Oh... Al Sharpton is on the scene?  Okay, I feel better now.  So much better. 

HOLY WAR

A fight among mice to see who gets the swiss cheese. 

HOW TO KILL OFF I.S.I.S.

Make them sign up for V.A. medical benefits. 

COMMON CORE 101

In annual honor and recognition of POW/MIA night, our American Legion Post held a ceremony and ordered a cake from Costco.  The girl in the bake shop says: "Pow Mia.  That's an interesting name.  Is it Spanish?" 

ABOUT THOSE 40 UNNAMED ALLIES: WE HAVE THE LIST!!!

Bernie Schwartz of Minneapolis; Gordon Skinner of West Palm Beach; Willie Rodgers of Los Angeles; Hymie Goldberg of Tel Aviv ........

OBAMA ON BEHEADING

"I be heading for the golf course." 

DOUBLE JEOPARDY

Do you suppose that, when I.S.I.S. gets here, they'll bring the Ebola virus with them? 

CHARLATAN

Isn't it time we got rid of the charlatan President in the White House? 

OBAMA'S WAR STRATEGY

An easy three wood will get you 250 yards down to the corner.  From there to the green, it's an easy 9-iron and two-putt for par.  Don't try to cut the corner... that's where the Republicans hang out. 

I DON'T GET IT

I.S.I.S. is at war with us, but we're not at war with them? 

Please pass the scotch... I just fell off the wagon.  

BORN AGAIN NFL PENALTY

Unnecessary roughness. 

HOW THE WORLD VIEWS OBAMA

THE TIME IS COMING

The time is drawing closer to Election Day.  Did your Congressional delegate vote FOR or AGAINST ObamaCare?  Do you know?

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S PAST THE TIME WE SHOULD KNOW WHY?

EXERCISE IN FUTILITY

Any war run by politicians. 

TODAY WE REMEMBER...

9/11/2001 in New York City

9/11/2012 at Benghazi

We don't need any more memories like these. 

TAHMOORESSI VS. TERRORISTS

If Obama can't spring one Marine from a Mexican jail, how can he be expected to deal with I.S.I.S., Al Qaeda, Hamas  and Boko Haram? 

CONGRESS IS BACK

You can tell by the mixed smell of bullshit and hot air. 

IS ISIS REALLY DANGEROUS?

As Bill Clinton would say...

"That depends on what your definition of  is is."

JOAN RIVERS

Another great American comedian has told her last gag and is on to her next gig. 

UGLY

The face radical left-wing Democrats are painting on America. 

IMPOTENT

Our stance against world terrorism. 

A REAL SWINGER

"Excuse me, Mr. President.  Iran has just nuked Tel Aviv." 

"Do you think I should use an 8 iron or a 9 iron for this next shot?"

STRATEGY

A subject obviously not taught at Harvard. 

PRESIDENT CAMERON?

While Obama was playing golf on Marha's Vineyard, British Prime Minister David Cameron cut his vacation short to deal with the I.S.I.S. crisis.  When Obama admitted he had no strategy, Cameron raised Britain's security threat to "severe."  While Obams has been out fundraising for the weekend, Camron and Germany's Angela Merkel are gearing up to send heavy arms to the Kurds and others who are fighting I.S.I.S.

Maybe we can get Cameron to run for President; we've already had one foreigner in the office, so why not? 

2016

So, who will the Republicans put up in 2016:

Romney and Ryan?

Romney and Bush?

Romney and Christie?

WHO WAS JIMMY CARTER'S VICE PRESIDENT?

Beats me.  I don't know either. 

Let's try another one... Who was Lyndon Johnson's Vice President?  

Come to think of it, who is Barack Obama's Vice President? 

OBAMA'S IMAGE

Is darker than HE is.

NAG, NAG, NAG

What is the reason Burger King is moving its headquarters to Canada?  Cpuld it be that in Canada they allow you to put horse meat in hamburgers? 

IF THEY DO CATCH THE GUY WHO BEHEADED FOLEY...

Do you think they'll trade him for another Bergdahl? 

ONE WORD MISSING FROM OBAMA'S SPEECH TO AMERICAN LEGION

TAHMOORESSI. 

OBAMA IS BACK IN WASHINGTON

Yawn. 

PUTIN INVADING UKRAINE

Obama on 12th tee. 

PRESIDENTIAL INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING

The reason Obama never attends them is that intelligence is required. 

EMPATHY

The feeling a President has for the family of a beheaded American journalist after he sinks a 14 foot putt. 

FOOL

A President who thinks anyone listens to him anymore. 

WHY THE FERGUSON NEWS IS SO CONTRADICTORY

The Malaysians are in charge of the investigation. 

RACIAL VIOLENCE

What occurs when Blacks need new tennis shoes and boom boxes. 

LOPPED OFF

The way our politicians in Washington are dealing with radical Islam and I.S.I.S., you would think those politicians have already been beheaded. 

NOAH HAD THE VERY FIRST ONE

Tablet. 

BIG BAD AL

Why is it that every time Al Sharpton shows up someplace, they have race riots? 

HABOOB

Funny tit. 

AS OBAMA WOULD SAY

 "Don't blame me... I didn't have anything to do with it." 

OBAMA SAYS THE PROBLEMS OF I.S.I.S. ARE NOT OURS TO RESOLVE

The Middle East has to resolve those problems.  So, I guess, he's going to make them come here before he does something about it. 

UNDOCUMENTED ALIENS

Mix-breed Chihuahuas. 

MORK THE DORK

I never really cared for his routines.  But, he was so well liked by so many people and he did establish his own genre.  In his own way, he was one of the greats. 

HORSE MANURE

The caballero who knew Hillary Clinton. 

AIR STRIKES

Obama ordered air strikes in Iraq over the weekend.  They were a resounding success; we took out two camels and a goat. 

Gosh, you don't suppose the Nobel Committee is going to be after Obama's Peace Prize, do you? 

SELF-DECEIVING

Getting on a jet plane to leave Washington D.C. for summer vacation thinking you've really earned your pay this year. 

CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS

Recent major password hacks, totaling in the billions in just the last week, make it imperative that you change all of your sensitive passwords again.  For once, I think I can say that a major international disaster is NOT Obama's fault. 

IMPOTENCY

The inability of the President of the largest democracy in the free world to deal with even an honored ex-marine unjustifiably stuck in  Mexican jail. 

SILENCE

That wonderful sound you don't hear after all of the bullshitters leave Washington D.C. for the summer recess. 

JAMES BRADY

This may be a little insensitive, but I don't care.  James Brady was shot with a small .22 pistol; the shot was intended for President Reagan and was fired by a lunatic who was trying to get Jody Foster's attention.  Since then, Brady and his family have been on a relentless campaign to seize all of our guns, long or short.  Good riddance, sir. 

E.P.A.

Egotistical Presumptive Autocrats

BOOMING ECONOMY

The White House says the economy grew by 4% in the second quarter of 2014 in all 57 states. 

BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT OBAMA....

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

CONGRESS IS GOING ON VACATION!

That means they're heading back to your neck of the woods.  Hold on to your watches and billfolds, and expect some big bombshells  before they get out of D.C. this afternoon! 

Gosh, you don't think Nancy Pelosi is pregnant, do you? 

MESSAGE FOR JOHN KERRY

A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

PELOSI SPEAKS OUT

"Hamas is a humanitarian organization." 

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can know when he's really in trouble. 

WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER MEXICAN-AMERICAN WAR

This time, the Mexicans are winning. 

SHHH!!! DON'T TELL ANYONE!!!

My dog is an undocumented alien.  I just knew I should have insisted on papers... 

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN

The real reason Obama is on the road so much. 

SO, WHAT KIND OF GUY IS KERRY?

He always flies by night. 

BLINDERS

What is necessary for you to wear if you are going to work in Washington, D.C. 

SIMPLE LOGIC 101

Just a post to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with E-mails concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

 

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems on my own.  My response solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.  

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.  

 

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

HUH?

If God didn't intend for people to lie, why did He create politicians? 

LET'S PLAY "CLUE"

All of the evidence regarding the destruction of the Malaysian jetliner is being removed.  Why is it being removed?  Probably because it contains important clues to who is to Putin's involvement in the plane being shot down.   

All of the emails pertaining to the I.R.S. targeting scandal have "disappeared."  Why?  Could it have anything to do with Obama's involvement? 

Are both Putin and Obama members of the same political party? 

12 B.C.

The last time Obama was on time for a scheduled press conference or Presidential address. 

DEAR LOIS

I hate to tell you this, but I'm the only guy who uses this computer and I have important emails saved back to 2003.  I also have them backed up in two places.  I also don't have anything in them to hide. 

... A Concerned Taxpayer

HERE'S A NEW GOVERNMENT GRANT YOU'LL LOVE

The Department of State is soliciting proposals for..."Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights and Labor Democracy, Human Rights, and Rule of Law in Iraq" grant.  There's nothing like spending $2 million on promoting tolerance and and reconciliation, is there?  Will I.S.I.S. apply for it? 

COMPROMISE

If Obama can't have things HIS way, you can't have things YOUR way.  Period. 

WHAT BORDERS?

Under Obama, we have no borders. 

HOW OBAMA WILL RESOLVE BORDER CRISIS

Throw money at it. 

PROOF OBAMA DID VISIT THE BORDER!!!

"PRESENT"

How to answer a role call vote when you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground.

QUESTION ABOUT BORDERS

If our President cannot control our borders, how can we expect him to control the I.R.S.?

WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' JUDGES

A Federal Judge has ruled that the I.R.S. must prove that the missing Emails cannot be retrieved and explain how they went missing.  

Hey man... is someone calling the I.R.S. a liar? 

THEY ARE NO LONGER ILLEGAL ALIENS

They are now "refugees." 

RADIOACTIVE PRESIDENT

Mr. Personality

MSSING I.R.S. EMAILS LOCATED!!!

They were found in the trunk of a car in a junkyard in Mabelville, Arkansas along with the Rose Law Papers. 

SHOULD THE U.S. INVADE

The Canary Islands? 

MAY GOD BLESS OUR PRESIDENT

And his feeble mind. 

238 YEARS AGO

238 years ago, we declared our independence from King George and Britain. 

This weekend, we need to declare our independence from Emporer Barack and the Radical Leftists who have seized our government. 

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUNDS OF....

Campers, playing their damned boom boxes.