BARNEY FRANKFARTER TO RESOLVE ISRAELI-HAMMAS CONFLICT

Let's send Barney Frankfarter over there with $880 billion. Since Congress seems to think that throwing billions at problems will make them go away, giving that kind of money to Hammas should solve THAT problem for a few weeks...... (At least until Obama gets sworn in and can go sit down and have a nice chat with them.)

OBAMA IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY

Hammas says they won't quit firing off missiles and rockets to Israel until Israel quits bombing them.

Now's as good a time as any for Obama to show up on the scene and sit down and have a nice, polite chat with Hammas to calmly discuss the situation. Maybe we could have Nero show up to fiddle some background music.

WINE IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

That explains why politicians live so long.

But, too much wine rots the brain.

And that explains why they make the decisions they do?

PAKISTANI NUKES

The big worry is what will happen to nuclear weapons in the hands of Pakistan if its government should fall.

I vote they be shipped to Syria.... on the heads of some missiles.

HOW TO FIX NATIONAL HOUSING - MORTGAGE CRISIS

Now that the mortgage rates are at an historical low, let's have all of the failed loans refinanced at the new rate. That way, everyone involved will be able to skip one month's payment, all loans will be brought current, payments will be reduced, and we can get the $700 billion back.

Unsweetened lemon juice tastes better. Even alum tastes better.

NEXT YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PREDICTION

If Congress keeps throwing good money after bad and spending money and ignoring the energy crisis, there won't be any lumps of coal around to stick in our stockings NEXT Christmas!

SANTA IS ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Just ask Detroit.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH

I'm not going to ask for the Illinois Senator's seat because I don't want want to risk having my good name associated with those corrupt, ignorant, thieving, malevolent idiots in Washington.

Do you mind if I ask... Is it true that you really wanted the job for yourself?

DEAR MSRS FRANKFARTER & PAULSON

Where's MY goddam Christmas bonus?

An American taxpayer wants to know.

WASHINGTON KNOWS HOW TO LOWER ENERGY COSTS!

They're giving everyone a lump of coal in their stockings for Christmas.

BUSH SURE KNOWS HOW TO SHUCK AND DUCK

Looking at the video of him ducking those shoes proves the point.

THE BIG THREE

EL FORDO
EL GENERO AUTOMOBILS
EL CHRYSLERO

PAULSON WINS NOBEL PRIZE?

I don't think there's any real truth that Hank Paulson is about to be awarded the Nobel Prize for Philanthropy due to his dishing out of over 1.3 trillions of dollars to need businesses. I hear the money isn't really his to give, despite his opinions to the contrary......

Or IS there?

YOU'RE A PISSANT!

That's right, Mr. & Mrs. America; that's exactly what I called you.

Bush, Pelosi, Reid, Paulson, Frankfarter.... Inspite of the fact that less than 40% of Americans are in favor of the Detroit bailout, those guys are going to find a way to make it happen, anway.

Obviously, then, you and I and the rest of America are truly mere pissants in the bigger scheme of our government, "of the people, by the people, and for those in charge."

AUTOMAKERS DESPARATE

Need bail out money before Christmas bonuses can be paid!

THE OLD GUY SEZ......

Americans got sick and tired of having foreigners think we are stupid, so we went to the polls in 2008 and removed all doubt.

WRIGHT IS RIGHT: WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE DROPPED THE A-BOMBS ON JAPAN.

That's probably why they bombed Pearl Harbor.

BLAGOJEVICH AND OBAMA

All Obama needs to say is that he has never heard of Rod Blagojevich and that problem will dry up and blow away.

I DID hear that Rod called Barney in Congress and asked for some bail out money.....

HOW TO TELL WHEN BARNEY FRANK IS LYING TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC

That's when his lips move.

DONKEY KONG

Last night, I dreamed that I saw Jesus riding through the streets of Washington on his jackass. First time I've ever seen a Congressman let a constituent get on his back......

MAYBE I'LL JOIN THE "WHIG" PARTY

Gunmen in drag steal over $100 Million in jewelry.

THE O.J. SHOW

'Twas fitting in several ironic ways that part of the FOX News coverage for the sentencing had advertisements featuring Robert Shapiro of LEGALZOOM.com

GOD MAY HAVE SPECIAL REQUEST FOR BURUEAU OF ENGRAVING AND PRINTING

Actually, the way Congress is now throwing money at everything, maybe it WOULD be a good idea to take "In God We Trust" off our currency. It's really getting to be embarrassing.

A DOUBLE GASSER

The price of fossil fuels rose dramatically this year. So did the price of air travel and anything sold on store shelves that was shipped by trucks and trains.

Now that the prices of gas and diesel have dropped, the cost of eating and air travel have not. Where is the extra money going?

I'd ask my Congressman, but he's too busy trying to figure out a way to get $34 billion of taxpayer money to Detroit.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US!

We're going to have a blonde as Secretary of State!

A LITTLE MINUET?

Can't you just hear the music playing as Obama and Company come on stage?

I hate to say it, but it reminds me of the old Ed Sullivan Show!

NO SMELL

They've finally announced that the country has been in a recession since December of 2007.

No shit, Dick Tracy.

CONTROVERSY ON OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE RESOLVED!

He wasn't born. He was hatched.

INDIAN TERRORISTS ARE HEROES!

Let's celebrate by releasing theirs pals from Gitmo. After all, it IS the holiday season.....The season to forgive and make peace.

(Dear God, how will all of this horse shit nonsense end?)

MORE LEGS ON THE DINNER PLATE?

Just think...if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey we'd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

'Tis the LACK of money that builds character.

THE REAL REASON HILLARY WILL BE SECRETARY OF STATE

Somehow, I don't think Rosie McDonnell's mouth is big enough yet.

PRICE OF GLASS SKY ROCKETS!

All of the Congressmen and Senators and government officials leading our nation need glass stomachs so they can see their way around!!

ILLEGAL MEXICANS AGAIN RUSHING ACROSS SOUTHERN BORDER!

Demanding their share of bail out money!

Batney Franks, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid want to include their share in their Social Security checks!

PRICE OF TOILET TISSUE GOING UP!

They're bound and determined to bail out Detroit, the banks, the finance companies, the credit card companies, the cities, the counties, the states...ad infinitum.

CITIBANK LAYOFFS = OUR PERSONAL BAILOUTS!

Pssst! Hey! Since they're laying off all of those folks at CitiBank, there won't be anyone there to record whether or not you make your car payments! I therefore vote..... Let's all quit paying CitiBank!

FREE SEX!

The government is going to screw us every day.

GAYS MARCHING IN THE STREETS

If gays don't give a flying fuck about the fact that Californians have twice voted down the right to gay marriage, then they should ZIP their damn flies and move to Denmark. They have no right to tell me how to vote.

WHITE HOUSE COMPUTERS TAPPED

Monica diaries missing!

BAD JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

They say that the costs to install a suicide prevention barrier net on the Golden Gate Bridge is way too high.

I guess that makes it a dead issue.

DISGUSTNG

For some reason, all of the whites are moving out of the neighborhood of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

TRANSITION

That's all we're hearing now, "Transition, Transition, Transition."

Do suppose Obama had the slightest idea that he was going to end up being a woman?

NEW NATIONAL HOLIDAY?

BLACK TUESDAY!

First Tuesday of November!

WELL, THE YEAR OF UGLY CAMPAIGNING IS FINALLY OVER

Pardon me while I change the fucking channel.

WRITE-IN "JOE THE PLUMBER!"

MATHEMATICAL DEDUCTION

If ACORN, a Democrat Party supporter, says they produced 1,300,000 new voter registrations, and we presume from the math provided so far that 50% are fraudulent and that there will only be a 50% national voter turnout, why not take 25% of the number of "registrations," or 325,000 and deduct that number from the Obama totals on November 4th in those states where ACORN operated?

Let's just call it a "redistribution of the vote."

ONE WAY TO GET THE DEMOCRATS TO START TALKING....

Is to have Joe Biden make a gaffe.

BORROW IT, DAMN IT!

If you don't have any money to spend, get another credit card and spend the limit to the max, right now. We need to get the economy moving. Oh, if the bank doesn't have the money to give you on a credit card, the government will lend it to them and then you can have your credit card and spend, spend, spend. If you don't pay it, we'll just raise taxes on everyone else to cover it. So, go and spend, spend, spend.

Oh? That's the attitude that got the country into this mess in the first place? Well, who cares? Borrow, borrow, borrow. Spend, spend, spend. Don't waste any time, now! Get with the program!

MCCAIN GETS STONG UNION ENDORSEMENT

National Plumbers Association

I DIDN'T KNOW RUSH LIMBAUGH WAS A RACIST

What does he race?

NO RESTRICTIONS ON BAILOUT MONEY?

That's what AIG says. They can do whatever their little old hearts want to do with it. Thank you, Mr. Paulson, for showing us how fucking brilliant you are. Hope you have fun with the next $700 billion.

On Anatomy

Colin Powell has endorsed Obama. I always knew Colin was an asshole. Assholes always get it in the end.

MONEY TRAIL?

Wouldn't it be something if we discovered that all of that money that was being sent overseas by businesses with terrorist ties was not coming back... to Obama's campaign coffers?

JOE THE PLUMBER

AND HIS CUTE CUCUMBER!
WILL PAY MORE IN TAXES,
THAN HE SPENDS IN PROPHYLACTICS!

LATEST ELECTION POLL - ACORN SPECIAL

JUST IN from the swing states....

ACORN POLLING SERVICE HAS OBAMA LEADING MCCAIN BY 112% OF THE VOTE TO MCCAIN'S 4% OF THE VOTE!

ANOTHER CONGRESSIONAL PECKERHEAD BITES THE DUST

No wonder they can't get anything done!



They stick "it" here, they stick it there, they stick it everywhere! They'll screw anyone. That's their operative word..."SCREW!"

NUTS ARE IN SEASON

ACORN

YES, CONGRESS CREATED THIS MESS, TOO!

Vote 'em Out! Vote ALL incumbents OUT!

LET'S EXPORT OUR FINANCIAL WOES

Close down Ford, GM, Chrysler and sell only foreign-built cars and trucks. Sell the airlines, banks, mortgage companies, farms, and grocery chains to foreign investors. This way, we don't own anything and all of the financial woes belong to them, and we can pay off our national debt.

We're getting sold down the river anyway, so let's make a total commitment out of it.

WHAT HAS OBAMA GOT TO HIDE?

Why won't he tell us about his past at Occidental, Columbia or Harvard? A President's life should be like an open book, and if he won't open it, he most certainly shouldn't be President.

NOW THEY'RE GOING TO BUY BANKS? HAVE THEY TRULY GONE MAD?

They put almost $1 trillion into the fiancial markets and the DOW had it's biggest drop in history. The populace is all ready to march on Washington and to demand accountability for their actions, and now the bastards want to buy banks?

The way you fuckers have screwed up the money in this world already, I'll be damned if I'm going to leave my money in ANY bank that you get your hands on!

At least you commies could send us all a jar of Vaseline!

HANG ON TO THOSE PENNIES!

The way things are going, you'll be able to buy shares of blue-chip stock with them by the end of the month.

IS CONGRESS WORTH IT?

When we total the monetary value of the elements in our bodies and the value of the average person's skin, we arrive at a net worth of $4.50! Let's see, if we melt them all down and sell their ingredients, that'll be roughly 525 Congress Members times $4.50 or..... $2,362.50, just a tad short of the $700 billion bailout bill.

NOW, THEY'RE CRYING IN THEIR CRIBS!

"It's not fair. We did what we thought was best for the country. What do they know, anyway? 78% of them are angry? We saved their butts from being hurt by our mistakes and they're angry anyway? There's a movement on to vote us out of office? Those ingrates!"

ANOTHER BAIL OUT COMING SOON TO A WALLET NEAR YOU?

Bush hinted at it when he said that we're not out of the woods yet. Now, the smell of raw sewage has oozed out into the media, which hints that another bailout "may" be needed.

You don't suppose those bastards have decided to wait until after the elections to spring this on us, do you?

FOUR WEEKS TO GO UNTIL ELECTION DAY

Four weeks to go until we throw the bastards out.

SIMPSON GUILTY

Guess he can't make his mortgage payments. Thank God we kicked in $700 billion to help him out.

AH, THE SWEET SMELL OF BULLSHIT

$250,000? WHO GIVES A DAMN?

How many average Americans who are going to pay this $700 billion along with children and grandchildren... Even care whether the FDIC insurance is $100,000 or $250,000? Just how many of them even have over $10,000 in the damned banks in the first place?

FREE HORSE MANURE AND BULL SHIT: Excellent for Lawn and Garden Fertilizer

Our over-supply is your lucky day! All you have to do is send a truck to get it and you can have as much as you want.

Contact:
Superintendent of Capitol Services
United States Capitol
Washington, DC
(202) - BULL-SHIT

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE RUSSIAN SHIPS AND VENEZUELA?

Just thought I'd ask, while those idiots in Washington are playing football fumble, if they're paying any attention to anything else while they stand around in the halls of Congress with their fingers up their asses.

THE REASON FOR THE MAD RUSH TO COMPLETE THE BAILOUT?

The sooner they get it done, perhaps, the more time we have to forget about it before the election? Now, why in God's name would the bastards in Congress be worried that we might get even at election time by voting them out?

Paybacks are a bitch?

SO LONG, PAUL

It was a long haul, Paul
But you had a great ride;
Now that you're on the other side,

You'll be missed.

CLOSE IT DOWN

We need to close down two things:

The stock market

Congress.

$700 billion problem solved.

LOATHSOME POLITICS

We're in a time of national crisis and Reid tells the two national Presidential candidates that they have no standing to be involved in it... and they're both United States Senators?

Who in the fuck does Reid think he is?

BAIL, BAIL, BAIL US ALL OUT!

I'm against the $85,000,000, 000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000, 000 to America in

a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000

bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman

and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals
$425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,0 00 to every person 18+ as a

We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.

So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife has $595,000 .00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads

Put away money for college - it'll be there

Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car - create jobs

Invest in the market - capital drives growth

Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks

who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company

that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed
Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth le t's really do it...instead of
trickling out

a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed
by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult
U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG - liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.

Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate.

Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in
Washington DC .

And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because
$25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

GET OUT THE SKILLETS!

These Congressional yokels are fighting like barracudas and piranhas over the taxpayers' $700 billion. Maybe we should have a good old fashioned fish fry.

80% OF BLACKS HAVE UNFAVORABLE VIEWS OF WHITES

Prove me wrong.

40% OF WHITES HAVE UNFAVORABLE VIEW OF BLACKS

That's what the poll says. That begs to ask the question, not asked in the poll for some mysterious reason, what percentage of blacks have an unfavorable view of whites?

I guess I'll have to ask Jeremiah Wright.

PIG IN A POKE

Trying to figure out which of the two candidates would be better at working with and leading Congress to better manage our country is like trying to figure out which lunatic would be better at running the asylum.

WHY OUR GOVERNMENT SUCKS

IF YOU HAVE A BAD ECONOMIC PROBLEM...

Throw money at it.

ALLAN GREENSPAN FOR PRESIDENT

That says it all.

MCCAIN'S EMAILS

Show me a President who is into emails, and I'll show you a President can't get the job done because he doesn't know how to use the telephone.

WASILLA, AK FASTEST GROWING CITY IN U.S.

Wasilla, popolation around 10,000 in 2008, has taken a sudden jump to 20,000.... That's 100% growth rate in just two weeks! The phenomenal growth is due to journalists and media types trying to dig up dirt on Sarah.

The Alaskan Tourist Bureau reports the highest volume of traffic at the Anchorage Airport in 413 years.

PALIN NOW BEING REFERRED TO AS THE "REPUBLICAN'S BLOW-UP DOLL."

Obviously, they're hoping to pinch her on her butt so hard that she'll fart and blow away.

PALIN MISS-PRONOUNCES NUCLEAR

Michael Seitzman caught her saying "nucular."

Well, she SHOULD be criticized for that. After all, Obama didn't mispronounce "pig," did he?

My God, when I heard she mispronounced "nucular," I damned near missed the urinal!

BILL CLINTON EXPLAINS TO BARACK WHY PALIN MUST BE STOPPED NOW!

If McCain/Palin beat Obama/Biden, Obama is finished and Hillary doesn't stand a chance against Palin in 1012.

Oh, shit.

BUSH DOCTRINE

Now THAT was a dumb way to phrase that question to a woman. The BEAVER doctrine would have been much better. Everyone knows that, if you have a beaver you are the ultimate authority over everything.

CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATINGS SOAR!

It's a fact! 23% of Americans now think Congress is doing a good job...up from 22% two weeks ago!

SEPTEMBER 11, 2008 AKA: 9/11

The media is all off to Alaska to get the real skinny on "Lipstick" while all of the rest of the world stands still. It's ironic, isn't it? Russia is still in Georgia and has broken the cease fire, Korea's midget President has been sidelined by a non-existent stroke while the Koreans have begun to reassemble their nuclear facility and have built another long-range missile launch pad, Russian planes have been visiting Venezuela, Iran's midget President is threatening Israel again, another major U.S. financial firm is teetering on the verge of collapse, and our media is off on the quest to find out about lipstick and pigs.

The real surprise to me is that Congress, now back in session, hasn't already funded a $100 billion research project to find out the relationship between pigs, pit bulls and lipstick.

My God, this country really sucks right now..... big time!

LIPSTICK

The dumb S.O.B. called her a pig?

Well, drag out the hamhocks, lima beans, grits and watermelons.

Things just got nasty, and no amount of rib sauce will make the stench go away.

JEREMIAH WRIGHT HAS BEEN SHACKING UP!

News is out! He's been cavorting with one Elizabeth Payne.

Ah, what an upstanding, outstanding, righteous and good man of the cloth.

Right, Barack?

REMEMBER THAT TAX REBATE YOU JUST GOT?

DON'T CASH IT! The government needs it back to cover their costs on the FreddieMac and FannieMae debacles because the "economy is strong!"

Hurry up, now and get that money in the mail!

As for me, I'm heading for the three-ply toilet paper.

WHY OBAMA'S FORMER PRIMARY ENEMIES BACK HIM NOW

Here's how the game is played. You can't lie, cheat, steal from the public unless you're in power. The guy at the top of the dogpile gets to steal more, but if you're not in the dogpile at all, you don't get anything. So, you fight and scratch, bark and bite and shoot to kill the rest in the dogpile in order to get to the top, but if some other mutt head beats you out, he gets the cream of the dog bones and you'd better damned well go and lick his balls or you're going to starve to death.

OBAMA: THE GREAT MESSIAH, OR SATAN REINVENTED?

I don't know either. Guess we'll have to ask William Ayers, or Jeremiah Wright, or Louis Farrakhan or one of his nine other apostles

OBAMA'S NIGHTMARE AND A NEW WORD

He just awakened to discover that he's in the middle of a clusterfuckup.

DEFINITION OF A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

I think that McCain defined himself at HIS convention
But, Obama still remains undefinable.

FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU WOULD THINK SHE'S A LEPER!

May be that she's even tested positive for Americanism or patriotism!

Well, I've got news for YOU! Obama's got hemorrhoids!

Na, na, na, na na nah!

NEW MILITARY COMMAND

New command for the WAF'S, WAC'S and WAVES:

"Tits up for the Vice President of the United States!"

ONCE AGAIN I MUST DEFEND MY HONOR

Every time one of these scandals surfaces, I am attacked my hundreds of people who blame me. Once again, I must defend my honor. Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. I had nothing to do with it.

Why are they always accusing ME of these things, anyway?

Bill Clinton

OBAMA DECLARES PALIN'S DAUGHTER'S PREGNANCY "OFF LIMITS"

Is he the father or is he just being the Messiah again?

REPUBLICAN CONVENTION KICKS OFF; GUSTAV MAKES LAND

America is full of blow hards....

POLITICAL HISTORY IN THE MAKING? Maybe Not!

Heard it said we'll either have the first black President or the first woman Vice-President. I guess the presumptuous toads don't figure Nader or Barr can win.....

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Louisiana's going to get another blow job.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE MCCAIN'S VP CHOICE

Wow!

ANTHONYS TO JOIN O.J. SIMPSON

Caylee Anthony's parents are going to continue to search for Caylee while O.J. continues to search for Nicole's real killer?

HILLARY DISAPPOINTED ME

She didn't wear her nice, yellow canary outfit when she gave her speech.

GOOD OLD BILL DOES IT AGAIN!

Hickory, dickory dock
The Bill ran up the clock....

It wasn't Bill? It was a mouse? Oh.

FAR-LEFT LIBERAL MEDIA BARES ITS UGLY FANGS

The verbal, almost physical assault on Michelle Malkin bordered on tyranny. These guys should go pick on someone their own size.... like pissants.

NEW POLITICAL PARTY

The 50% of Democrats who don't like Obamama and the 50% who don't like McCanncann are joining together to form a new party.

They're going to call themselves the "Boot Camp" Party, because they'll be Left, Right, Left, Right....

OBAMA TALKS RUSSIANS INTO BACKING OFF!

Obama has proven that his strategy of sitting down to talk things out is the right way to go. Word is that he's been engaged in secret talks with Sputin and Sputin has agreed to withdraw all Russian troops from all of Georgia and to compensate Georgia for damages as soon as hell freezes over.....

DEMOCRATS NOT HAPPY WITH THEIR CANDIDATES

Judging by the way things are starting in Denver, what with the riot police already showing up and everything, it appears that there is dissension in the rank and file.

If it's any comfort to anyone, the Republicans appear to be ingredients of the same dissension stew.

DENVER OMELETTE

Obama yo' mama, Clinton, Edwards, Polosi, Reid, with a light touch of Clooney, all beaten up with eggs and grilled. Easy on the cholesterol.

Topped with Gray Poop thereOn.

REPUBLICAN PARTY IS THE "WHITE" PARTY

Does that supposed to infer that the Democratic Party is the "Black" Party?

Uhh, Howard Dean, unless I'm missing something, I think you must be in the wrong party.

IRAN INTRIGUE

Hey! How come we don't hear anything about General Electric and Iran centrifuges and nuclear plans anymore?

For that matter, how come no one has ever discussed the close relationship British Petroleum, aka BP ARCO, has with Iran?

Okay, sorry I asked. Yeah, it's none of my beeswax. But, I sure am getting tired of not getting the facts. This must either be a total lack of Freedom of the Press, or a massive failure of the press to do its job.

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

Rielle Hunter

EDWARDS DESERVES VICE PRESIDENTIAL BID

He's proven beyond any doubt that he meets the qualifications for being a top leader of the country and a top politician within his party.

He likes to fuck around.

He likes expensive haircuts.

He likes manipulating the truth.

He likes playing with other peoples' money.

MEDIA SITTING THIS ELECTION OUT ON ITS BUTTS

We depend on the press and the media for knowledge, for the facts. We're getting awfully close to a Presidential election. But, we don't know any more about McCain's family or Obama's family than we do about the man in the moon.

OBAMA WHINES AGAIN!

That damn book is UNFAIR and that damned author is biased! It's full of lies and bullshit, just like the book he wrote about Kerry! So, you OWE me your vote!

MR. PUTIN, PLEASE GET OUT OF GEORGIA!

Please. Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on it?

PUTIN vs EDWARDS

We continue to hear more about Edwards, his tryst and his "love child" than we do about Russia's invasion of Georgia. After all, priorities are priorities, right?

I wonder if Edwards tipped that barber who gave him a $400 clip job?

COLIN POWELL BACK IN THE NEWS: Will He Be Obama's Running Mate?

Well, that would certainly balance the age factor out.

BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT ABOUT TERRORISM

The Nation of Islam is complaining about our reference "Islamic Terrorists." They say that unfairly suggests that all of Islam support terrorism. Government agencies, including the State Department, seem to agree, and are suggesting that the media only use the term, "Terrorists."

Well, that's really generic. White terrorists? Christian terrorists? Irish terrorists?

But, I agree. In 2008, we need to be more sensitive to the feelings of other peoples. So, MY suggestion is that we go ahead and change the terminology. From now on, let's just call them "Islamic Motherfuckers!"

L.A. VENTURES FURTHER INTO LALA LAND; Bans Fast Food Restaurant Growth

The city council has banned any new fast food restaurants in South Los Angeles for the next year because the people there are too fat. 30% of the people living in that area are overweight, while only 19% of those in the rest of the city are overweight.

Evidently, L.A. is starting to tilt, in more than one meaning....

HEY, OBAMA! HEY, MCCAIN! IT'S YOUR MOVE!

Russian Checkers, any one?

RUSSIA BLAMES GEORGIA: Carter Denies Responsibility

Price of peanuts goes up.

OBAMA'S ENERGY PLAN: One Step Beyond

If all of us in this country would quit using our air conditioning in our cars, businesses, and homes, we could cut our national energy usage by 30% .

I'm therefore proposing that Congress pass a law, as soon as they get back from their cruises to Alaska and Hawaii, to make it illegal to use air conditioning... any time, any place, for any reason.

Let's start with the Capitol. The way I figure it, with their abundance of hot air all of the incumbents will be sweating their collective balls, (or lack of them), off and they'll then resign. Finally, we may be able to get something done in this country.

This government is a joke. And THAT'S not funny!

GEORGIA OR RUSSIA?

Who will win more Gold Medals?

PARIS HILTON HAS BETTER ATTRIBUTES THAN THE OTHER BOOBS!

Now, why did I give up the whole joke in the headline?

Freudian slip?

Maybe I was just trying to make a clean breast of things?

EDWARDS

Looks as if Edwards got screwed out of the Vice Presidency... (double entendre)

A MOMENT IN HISTORY

8:08:08 08-08-08

Don't be late
Don't matriculate
Don't procrastinate
Don't speculate
Don't fornicate, pontificate, participate, master.....
Oh well, just don't do it.

HOUSE ENERGY COMMITTEE BREAKS FOR SUMMER RECESS!

HILLARY'S SALIVATING!

With Obama plummeting in the polls and her holding on to her delegates, Hillary might make a dramatic comeback in the Democratic Convention!

Forget the Gray Poop-on, just pass the Preparation H.

EVERYTHING IS TURNING UP ROSY?

My God! Congress leaves on vacation and right away, gas prices drop and the illegals are going to deport themselves! First thing we know, the UFO guys are going to teach us how to create unlimited pollution free renewable energyand Osama is going to trot out of the mountains and raise his hands in surrender!

MEDIA NOT REPRESENTING THE TRUE FACTS

They cite one poll or another and say that McCain and Obama are even, depicting that McCain has "caught up" to Obama. A www.whitehouse.com combination of the 12 top polls in the country shows:
McCain: 41.8 %
Obama: 46.3 %
Other: 11.8 %
Lord, God Almighty! Does that mean you can't trust the media?

ONE WAY TO KEEP THE POLITICIANS IN WASHINGTON

Would be to make them all pass a sobriety test before they board an outbound plane.

WHERE GAS PRICES ARE LOWER THAN NATIONAL AVERAGE

In and around Crawford, Texas and Washington, D.C.

I wonder why that is?

THE ONLY THING LOWER THAN A POLITICIAN...

Is a snake's belly.

IS BUSH A PUPPET ON A STRING?

Seems to me that every time Obama points out something he would do if President, Bush does it.
Please pass the Obama baked beans.....

THE TERMINATOR IS GOING TO BE THE TERMINATOR?

California layoffs?

AN AFFINITY FOR ASSININITY?

New York City is the latest in an endless parade of idiotic governmental mandates. They're making it illegal for you to text message on your cell phone while crossing a street, because you might get run over.

Next thing you know, they're going to make it illegal for men to pee while standing up, because they get water on the knee!

CHEAPER THAN GAS!

If we can find a way to harvest all of the hot air coming out of Congress, we won't even need gas!!!

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN CONGRESS....

Is their baseball team.

LOUZY, DAMNED CATCH 22

If we banned all of the political sniping, carping and sniveling from TV,
there'd be nothing left to watch except reruns.

WHAT'S MY OPINION OF CONGRESS?

They're all so low, those worthless numb skulls all need parachutes to jump off the edge of a dime.

TWO MORE BANK FAILURES

Either the Feds are not doing their jobs and monitoring banks closely enough, or the economy really IS in deep shit.

Oh well, who needs banks anyway? We've got plenty of plastic!

MEXICAN REVENGE

If you don't want our illegals, we'll send Sal Monella up there to getcha!

OBAMA'S REASON FOR NOT VISITING GI'S?

Maybe he was afraid he'd get booed off the stage?

SAN FRANCISCO: Topless and Lawless

If you're an illegal alien in The City and dancing in a topless joint, you'll get double-indemnity, in more ways than one.

OBAMA TAKES BERLIN BY STORM!

Sig hail!

IS MCCAIN ASLEEP AT THE SWITCH?

He sure let Obama pull the magic carpet out from under him in Iraq when Obama got their President, the Khard, to publicly agree that a 16-month troop pullout would be great. Time to wake up from your nap, John?

Obama Is DEFINITELY A Sniveler!

See July 19th post. McCain is closing the gap in the polls and right away, Obama is crying that the news media is giving McCain preferential treatment. Fact is, McCain never got much publicity on HIS Middle East trip at all, and they're giving Obama constant coverage; even Kat Couric went along! Obama is very favored by the news media, getting almost two times the name mention as McCain.

So, this is just one more instance of Obama crying like a baby in the schoolyard. To me, he's starting to sound like a snot-nosed sniveler. Is that what we want in a President?

ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL POLL

After Obama's trip to Iraq and Afghanistan, who will be best prepared to deal with terrorism?

A. McCain
B. Obama
C. Nader
D. Bin Laden

NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE? He's Got My Vote!

T-Bone Pickens!

PHIL GRAMM SAYS WE'RE A NATION OF WHINERS?

Doesn't that stance epitomize how we see Congress, as a bunch of pious and elitist bastards that have lost touch with the American electorate?

THE NEW YORKER MAGAZINE COVER PROVES ONE THING

If Obama wins, we're going to have a cry baby for a President.

Wah, wah!

MORE PRESIDENTIAL POLLING

Where does McCain stand on illegal immigration?

A. Way out in left field
B. Same as Obama
C. No habla espanol
D. All of the above

BUSH'S ECONOMY SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL

He says it's not so bad, but how does this make you feel:

They're scaling back, and even cutting out altogether, military patrols of U.S. nuclear energy facilities because they can't afford it any more......

DR. MICHAEL DEBAKEY CLOCKED OUT

His heart's no longer in it.

PRESIDENTIAL POLL TAKES OFF!

Who would be better at dealing with Iran?
a. McCain
b. Obama
c. Paris Hilton
d. Bullwinkle

THE GREAT VAST NO NEWS CONSPIRACY

I mean no disrespect to Tony Snow or Tim Russert, and I do not wish to detract from the joy of those escapees from the Columbian Jungle Prison, but where's the news? FOX was on Snow all weekend, and CNN Headline News was on the escapees all weekend.

In the meantime, there's been gradually declining news and now a virtual blackout when it comes to Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Korea, the economy, the energy crisis, Social Security, the borders, terrorism.... Not that we Americans would be interested in such things?

The only way you can find out what the hell is going on in the U.S. is to get on the Internet and check out the BBC or the CBC.

INDYMAC BANK COULD BE JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Let's see.... Countrywide, INDYMAC, FannieMae, FreddieMac.....
Bank of America? Nations Bank? Wells Fargo? How low could the list be?

Not to worry though.... Good old George says the economy is in fine shape, remember?

I don't know about you, but I'd just as soon go to the bank and draw my money out and stick it under the mattress. Problem is, I can't afford the gas to get there......

So Long Tony

Thanks for the Snow job.

US - RUSSIAN MISSILE CRISIS

Seems to me that our plans to put missiles in Czechoslovakia is somewhat akin to the Soviet Union's attempt to put missiles in Cuba.

Now, don't get all fired up over that thought.....

OBAMA: LAST TANGO WITH JACKSON? Special Post

At the very least, Obama will soon be speaking in a higher octave after having been verbally emasculated by the very Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Jackson apologized for whispering off screen that Obama was talking down to Blacks and that he should have his "jewels" chopped off.

But, anyone who will just close their eyes and listen to how Obama talks and what he says would have to agree with Jesse, and that's the first, and probably last time in my life that I could ever agree with Jesse Jackson.

The upside of this flap is that we no longer have to speculate as to whether or not Obama has Cabinet or VP plans for Jackson.

KENNEDY'S TUMOR

Probably explains why he doesn't think right. (Play on words intended).

AMERICAN'S PASSENGERS BOO CREW

The crew was over an hour late, at the gate.
Passengers booed them for being late, at the gate.
The crew took the bait and closed the gate.
"We're not flying from this gate, on this date.
You certainly know your fate. Even if we're late, wait.
For now, it's checkmate, at the gate on this date. "

OUR SHIP OF STATE WAIVERS IN IT'S DIRECTION

Senator Jesse is no longer at the Helms.

OBAMA STEALS THE SHOW FROM MCCAIN

Has emergency landing in St. Louis

THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!

Would you believe that it's more profitable for farmers to grow corn for ethanol than hops for beer?

QUALIFICATIONS FOR THE PRESIDENCY

I don't recall anywhere in the history of this country that says a chap is qualified to be President just because his plane got shot down over enemy territory. Likewise, I know of nothing that says that a guy is qualified because he's Black and because he's finally decided he'd best start wearing the American Flag on his lapel.

Frankly, I'm beginning to think that this country would be far better off with four more years under Bush, and the mere thought of that sends shivers down my spine.

THE IDIOTS WE ELECT

As you know, it is now illegal to talk on a cell phone in California unless you are using a hands-free device. However, it is LEGAL to drive in California while shaving, reading the newspaper, listening to your boom box turned all of the way up and..... holding a banana to your ear.

Maybe I should start selling banana phones?

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

Don't forget to thank your armed forefathers for the privilege of celebrating it.

IT'S ALMOST TIME TO DECLARE YOUR INDEPENDENCE...

And divorce your Congressman!

ANYONE WHO CARRIES A CONCEALED GUN ON A PLANE

Should not be arrested
Or otherwise tested;
He should be shot,
On the spot.

IF OBAMA CHANGES HIS POSITION ON ISSUES JUST ONE MORE TIME....

He will have tied Bill Clinton's record, and Obama isn't even President yet!

Whew! This guy's fast!

AMERICAN CARNAGE

As of June 27th, 4,113 American military personnel have been killed in Iraq while fighting to keep terrorism out of the United States and to bring lasting freedom to that country.

Not to diminish that loss, it should be noted that 42,642 Americans were killed on U.S. Highways in 2006 while fighting for nothing.

Or, to look at it another way, 4,113 killed in Iraq since 2003 and well over 170,000 killed on U.S. highways in the same time. ... fighting for nothing.

The smart guy would say, "U.S. car sales are down. Let's ship a bunch of cars to the Middle East and give them to Al Queda and Hamas and let them drive themselves to death....

THEN we can bring the troops home.

CONGRESS SCORES AGAIN!!!

Congress meets the energy crisis head on, shrugs its collective shoulder, wrings it's hands in despair, breaks for vacation.

Score now Congress 114,784 American citizens 0

(My God, what a shut out! Have they no mercy? If they would just do SOMEthing about ANYthing, we could at least get ONE point on the scoreboard.....)

YOU CAN'T USE THE TOILET!

The economy is already in there!

SUPREME COURT RULING

The Supremes have ruled that we lowly beings DO have the Constitutional right to bare arms.

Thank God for that! I was afraid I was going to have to toss out all of my T-Shirts!

SIGN ON TIJUANA BILLBOARD

"WILL THE LAST MEXICAN TO CROSS THE BORDER PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?"

BREATHLESS CIRCUS ACT!!!

Which clown is going to win? Big Bad Johnny McCain or Bummmbling Barracks Obamama?

(Yawn) And puhleeeeze..... Pass the Gray Poop On.

GOD BLESS GEORGE CARLIN

He always told it like it is and made us laugh about it when he did.

GAS, OR NO GAS: That Is The Question

Is it not ironic that the loudest critics of soaring prices at the pump are the environmentalists who say, "Don't drill?"

POLITICALLY CORRECT, AND DEAD

I heard today on the news that the main reason Israel should not attack Iran to take out their nuclear weapons facilities is that such an action could turn the Middle East into an enraged "ball of fire."

Obviously, the answer is to allow Iran to go ahead and make their nukes and to turn Israel and US into a ball of fire.

Isn't that somewhat akin to saying, "If a guy breaks into my house in the middle of the night, I'm not going to shoot at him until he rapes my wife and shoots at me?"

HOW CAN YOU TELL MC CAIN & OBAMA APART?

I recognize that you were looking for a wisecrack here but, if you will close your eyes and just listen to what they have to say, you can't tell them apart.

Neither one of them has anything to say that's worth listening to. But.... you can certainly smell it, especially if you're down wind.

WEIGHT

When a man or woman lays naked in the night, and when they pray to God for forgiveness of their sins, and when they admit their shortcomings and mistakes in life...

They weigh a helluva lot less than they will on the bathroom scales in the morning.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEE, MO

Oops!

WILL HILLARY RUN WITH MCCAIN?

There's a rumor going around that she would be willing to switch parties and that McCain is actively considering the idea.......

NOT ALL POLITICIANS ARE CORRUPT

It's just that 98% of them give the other 2% a bad name....

WATCH OUT, BIN LADEN!!!

Bush is gonna getcha, Bush is gonna getcha.

It's almost been seven years since 9/11. Maybe he's got the seven year itch?

Can't you just hear it now? "Okay, boys. It's time to get Osama. Just remember, no tanks, no planes, no missiles, no guns.... and when you finally locate him, be nice and polite."

HOT DOGS, HAMURGERS, RIBS AND STEAKS

No tomatoes, please.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

BRITISH PRINCESS ROMPS IN THE NUDE

A drunken British Princess Eugenie frolicked and cavorted in the nude with classmates at Marlborough College the other night. Reports are they were stressed over exams and decided to "let their hair down."

Personally, I think Eugenie plans to become an American actress.

IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Watch out for black cats, broken mirrors and politicians.

WHERE'S DICK CHENEY?

I'd swear the guy has disappeared!

NOW THAT HILLARY IS OUT.....

All of the women in the country are suffering from postpartum depression.

WHERE HAS ALL THE WATER GONE?

Got up this morning and the pool was totally empty, except for the SHAM WOW at the bottom.

NEW SIGN POSTED OUTSIDE POLLING PLACES

Look alive!

PRAYER CAN BE BENEFICIAL TO YOUR HEALTH

That's what the docs are saying. There must be some truth to it. Every time I go to see a doctor, I pray.

HILLARY, EXIT STAGE LEFT

For now.

WHY HILLARY SHOULD BE VP

Remember the old saying.... The Vice President is in charge of vice?

You know, like... Whitewater, Rose Law Firm books, FBI files, Travelgate..........

BRAND NEW DEMO CAMPAIGN BUTTON

OBAMA AND BIG MAMA
WILL GET OSAMA AND HIS LLAMA!

FINALLY, THE PRESIDENTIAL BATTLE IS JOINED

But not at the hips.

AH, THE SMELL OF FRESH SPRING AIR IN AN ELECTION YEAR!

Kinda' reminds you of driving by a sewer plant with your windows down, doesn't it?

GOING AROUND THE INTERNET - ON BECOMING ILLEGAL

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin

731 Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

IS WRIGHT RIGHT?

Has Obama forsaken his religion for political reasons?

IS SESAME STREET REALLY GONE FOREVER?

Have you noticed that Hillary no longer wears her Big Bird outfit?

Going Around The Internet...

A taxpayer voting for a Democrat is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

I HEAR BUSH GOT BUSHWACKED!

GREAT SCOTT!!

CRACKER JACK BOX

It occurs to me that we might look in one for a decent Presidential candidate.

HIGHWAY ROBBERY

Gas prices.

Madame, The Problem With This Presidential Election...

Is that there STILL is no one running who I wish to vote for.

HONOR THY FOREFATHERS

God bless those who fought and died for our country
God give us the sense of purpose and resolve to do the same
It is their memory, purpose and resolve
To which we owe our lives and the lives of our children.

McCAIN VEEP RETREAT

McCain is inviting some potential VP candidates to a Memorial Day barbecue retreat at his Sedona, Arizona compound. No doubt, he'll feature his famous Costco beef ribs.

I wonder how much gas they're going to burn over that? I get heartburn just thinking about it. Thank God I wasn't invited....

Hillary Should Be Candidate

If she had the popular votes she is entitled to have from Florida and Michigan, she'd beat Obama.

Meanwhile, back to Gore. He should have been President in 2001, and 9/11 would never have happened, we would not be in Afghanistan or Iraq, and the temperature would be 12 degrees cooler this summer. Of course, Hillary would also be Vice President and ready to take over in 2009, and this Obama irritation wouldn't be here to deal with any way.

WHAT HAPPENS IF HILLARY LOSES?

You don't think she'd run for VP with McCain, do you? Hmmmmm?

McGOVERN IS GOING TO BACK OBAMA?

Isn't THAT just the cat's meow!

GAS TAX SAVINGS A FARCE: Here's The Fact

You're going to save a whopping 18 cents per gallon at the pump?

If gas is selling at $3.75 a gallon, what does that mean?

It means you're saving 5.76 ounces per gallon, or 34.5 teaspoons. Or, if you take an 8 ounce coffee cup and fill it not quite 2/3 full.... well, you get the picture.

You can figure how how much farther you can drive your car for that 18 cents, but by the time you do the math, the price of gas will be $4.00 a gallon.

GAS PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Just substitute all of the hot air in Washington for gas at the pump and we'll have enough fuel to last forever!!!

FUEL GOUGED AMERICANS: You Have No Rights!

Welcome to the U.S.S.R. (United States Socialist Republic)

GITMO TERRORIST PRISONERS: We Have Rights!

Oh boy! More people with rights that trump ours.......

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS: We Have Rights!

Happy May Day.

SUPPORT THE TRUCKERS!

Stay home on the 5th!
Don't go to work.
Don't go shopping.

TRUCKERS IN WASHINGTON: They've Got The Right Idea

They're driving slow through the Capitol, vowing to just not show up nationwide next Monday if Congress doesn't do something about the rising cost of fuel. I say, if it comes to them walking of their trucking routes on May 5th to get the point across, we should get behind them and ALL stay home on the 5th.

Sorry To Tell You, But We're Outnumbered

The plain simple fact of the matter is that the total of registered blacks and Mixicans, (Mexicans plus Mexican mixes), in this country is way, way beyond the total of everyone else.

The election is coming up. Hope you like salsa on your watermelon........

Syrian Nuclear Reactor

Who will we blame? Syria? Korea? UN?

Or, will we blame Israel for doing something about it?

Rather than dancing through the politics surrounding the issue, rationalizing what is politically correct and what isn't, pointing fingers at those even remotely responsible... Why don't we just have sex?

Someone is going to get screwed, anyway.

Three Party System?

Wouldn't it be something if we ended up with a BLACK Democratic Party and a WHITE Democratic Party?

Democratic Race

Race? The race card?

Well, politically incorrect or not, things have changed. After Pennsylvania, you can expect some magical shenanigans from the Clintons and I have to honestly say that I now consider Obama to be the dark horse candidate.

Whatever Happened To Good Old What's His Face?

You know? Uhhh...... David.... No, I got it!

What ever happened to Donald Rumsfeld?

Oh. The Phoenix Lights got him? Colin Powell, too?

Wow!

Mysterious Lights Reappear Over Phoenix

Price of booze goes up.

Political Question Of The Day

Has a sitting President ever drawn Social Security while in office?

You Can Relax Now

The Pope has just ducked out the back door.

Doesn't Jimmy Look So Sweet?

Sitting there with his famous Carter grin, giving photo ops for the world while he gets into bed with Hamas, one has to hope that he'll just stay there.

Cardinals

Up until now, I thought they were a sports team.

Coincidence

Was it planned, or was it coincidence that the Pope showed up on income tax day?

Welcome, Mr. Pope

While you're visiting, would you mind straightening out our politicians, entertainers, gays, bankers, lawyers, educators, atheists, agnostics and judges?

Thanks.

OUTRAGED!

FOX News reports that San Jose State University has banned on-campus blood drives. The reason? The gay community says that an FDA Regulation preventing gays from donating blood is discriminatory and a violation of gay rights. Never mind that you and I might end up getting the HIV Aids Virus in a blood transfusion, San Jose State has elected to side with the gay community and to ban blood drives until the Feds withdraw their ban.

San Jose State University should be closed down.

Where Do They Stand On Polygamy

Silence, except for McCain who passed the buck in 2006.

So, I guess, maybe they sit?

For Three Days, They've Been Talking About College Kids Going To A Brothel

In my day, it didn't take anywhere near that long.

Carter To Barter?

Jimmy boy is going to go and barter with Hamas?

Mind if I ask who is paying for the trip?

Mind if I ask, if he gets taken hostage who is going to bail him out?

Mind if I ask if Jessie Jackson is going along?

Mind if I ask what airline he is flying?

Now, the real question is this: I do believe that American travel there is prohibited, meaning Carter has to be going in some official capacity, with some official agenda. So, what's the skinny?

I Have Decided To Run For Public Office

Cumberland County Commissioner in Pennsylvania has admitted video taping his 100 + sex acts with prostitutes. Obvious, being in government is where all of the sex action is, so I'm going to seek office as a member of the Hedonist Party.

Vroooom! Vroooom!

Olympic Torch Burns Newsom

If they couldn't protect it, why'd they agree to allow it through San Francisco in the first place? Maybe they should have used Berkeley; I'm sure the Marines would have been glad to protect it.

Clinton Rumor Proven Untrue

Contrary to rumors circulating in political circles, there is no truth to the story that Hillary Clinton will receive a Medal of Honor for being under fire in Bosnia.

Vice Presidential Candidates

Let's see, who might they pick?

Hillary Clinton - Bill Clinton
Barack Obama - Rev. Jeremiah Wright
John McCain - Joe Lieberman

Oh, this is just sooooo exciting, I could just s--t!

Hillary Caught In Another Lie?

Nawwww. You gotta be outa your mind. Not Hillary!

Polygamist Cult In Texas Cleaned Up

Vote Warren Jeffs for Governor of New York!

If All American Families Would Plant Just One Tree Today...

Not only would we improve the environment, add shade and reduce "global warming," but my uncle in the nursery business would be rich.

Another Viable Presidential Candidate About To Enter The Scene?

One black
One woman
One old fart
Why not a pregnant man?
That way, we'll have the majority of the major issues covered.
Now, if we could only find one of those alien beings from a UFO.....

Where are the Ringling Brothers these days?

RELEASE ALL JAILBIRDS!

Close the prisons!
Close the schools!
We're running out of money for pork!

JANET RENO???? For Vice President???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

Thank God it's April Fools Day......

"BLANK" For President!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
Any ole' asshole for President
Will do!

May God Bless Americans!

Hypocrites Come In All Colors

For decades upon decades, the blacks in America have been trumpeting the injustices brought upon them by whites, demanding that racial prejudice be wiped off the face of the earth.

In the meantime, we now learn as black leaders come forth in defense of Obama and Wright, black religious groups and churches across the national landscape have been spewing forth anti-white hatred and fomenting anti-American activities.

We should not be shocked, the leaders of black America shout. So, you can't blame Wright and you can't blame Obama. What is, is, "bro."

So, get over it, and get used to it, because Obama's going to be the next President of the United States.

Well, after hearing that presentation yesterday, I would have to surmise that the race card is not only on the table, but the black bigots are lining up to make this into a long, hot summer.

I WANNA BE AN AIRPORT SECURITY GUARD!

Nipple rings have been declared to be a security risk! I'll be the nipple inspector! Inspection room has to be kept at 39 degrees.

Will they let me wear my Chu man chu beard? I promise to keep abreast of any new updates! I'll have this job licked in no time!

Condi And Al Hear The Dance Music

The elephants have been at a disadvantage because they have neither a black or a woman running for office. Having Condi on Big Bad Johnny's ticket would solve that problem, and guess what? Like the little gal on the other side of the dance floor on prom night, she's telling some friends that's she's available to tango.

On the other hand, the donkeys are all braying about their poor choices in Hillary and Barracks and along comes good old Al who just might have a shot at winning, because I just know he invented the fox trot.

Hey, as long as you're passing the gray poop on, pass the popcorn too, will ya?

It's 3:00 AM In The White House; The Phone Rings

"Hi, Honey! It's me, Monica. Is the bitch asleep yet?"

The REAL Hillary Ooozes Out

Dirtmouth
Liar
Conniving
Demanding
Ugly

Future President of the United States.

The Bunny Hop

Think McCain is old enough to remember that? Or, is he TOO old to remember that?

Not that age should matter. Remember, we're keeping sex, race and now age out of this election. Heaven forbid, we're going to have to judge these guys on their ABILITIES?

WHAT A REVOLTIN' DEVELOPMENT THIS IS!!!

Guess What We're Having For Easter Dinner?

Democrat stew!

Isn't The World Of Politics Fun To Watch?

On the other hand, so are hangings.

Hillary Announces Both She And Obama Dropping Out!!!

At least, I think that's what she meant.

She did say that this election should not be about race or about gender......

Doesn't that mean they're dropping out?

"Did You Hear O'Bama's Speech?"

"Oh, yess! He's such an ello-kent speakah!"

"What did he have to say?"

"Uhhhhh. Cud you put some mayo-naze on that?"

Obama's Secret Name Change!

Presidential candidate changed name before entering Politics:

Barak H. Obama's real name is Barney Hennessey O'Bama.

He is a full-blooded Irishman. When asked why he changed

his name he said, "Who in their right mind would ever vote for

an Irishman?".......

Happy St. Paddy's Day to All my Irish friends......you too Barney!!

So, Is It Really Down To Just Hillary?

Thank Gawd she doesn't have any skeletons in HER closet! I mean, with all of the White Water records and Rose Law Firm documents and missing FBI files stuck in there, I don't think she has any ROOM for skeletons in her closet!

ZING!

I'm Not

A Marxist
A Member of Radical Islam
A Member of an Anti-American Church
The Guy Who Refused to Take His Oath of Office on the Bible
The Guy Who Refused to Hold His Hand Over His Heart When the American Flag Passed
The Guy Who Stands for Nothing, But Stands for Everything

I'm not Barrack Obama.

Clinton On Spitzer's Girlfriend!

Just kidding......

Fornicratic Party Takes A Hit!

I wonder why Bill Clinton remains uncharacteristically silent?

New Name For Democrats?

Fornicratic Party of America?

Spitzer For Vice President!

What can I say after that opening?

Zoom, zoom?

Hillary Clinton for Vice President?

Didn't she say she wants to be on the same ticket as Barracks?

Soccer Riots

Kinda look like the Democratic National Convention after Hillary says she'll let Barrack on her ticket if he'll shine her shoes for her.

Wanna Fly A Broom?

It's safer than flying Southwest

The Politicians & Media Are So Darned Smart....

Since they're got it all figured out about what we low-class citizens of the proletariat need in our lives, why don't we just let them cast our votes for us in November? That'll save us from embarrassing ourselves and we can use the time to clean out our houses so that the illegals they're all going to give amnesty to will have a place to live....

ZING!

Whose Election Is This, Anyway?

Ours, or the media's?

ZING!

Garbage

Tomorrow, the garbage man will come and take my discards to the dump.

I wonder if he has ever taken a gander at Hillary's rump?

ZING!

(Anyone know where I can find a wide, wide angle lens?)

Hillary's Secret Strategy; It'll Happen Any Day Now!

Divorce Bill!

ZOING!

Vote ALL Of The Incumbents Out....

Then for sure there won't be any assholes left in Washington.....

ZING!

William Buckley Dies

McCain Only True Conservative Remaining!

Do not pass the Gray Poop-On..... I already have it!

ZING!

Now They're Arguing Who's Going To Handle Terrorism Better: Clinton Or Obama

I say, give them each a derringer and let them duel at 10 paces!

ZING!

Drew Peterson's Third Wife Was Murdered?

My gosh! What'll they dig up next?

ZING!

The Recent McCain Lobbyist Affair Story Is A Red Herring

If you want something to sink your teeth into, take a look at his investigation of Jack Abramoff. Why didn't he investigate the members of Congress who TOOK the money? Moreover, since he was in charge of the Indian Affairs Committee that did the investigation into Abramoff, why did he accept a $100,000 donation from Abramoff's firm?

You don't suppose the Democrats would actually sit on this scandal until after McCain wins his party's nomination would you? Naw.... they play fair. They wouldn't leave the Republicans without a candidate! Right?

ZING!

So, If The Republicans Are Staying Away From The Polls...

They obviously don't like their choices, either.

ZING!

From The Republican Royal Regency: Now Is The Time For All Good Party Members To Rally Around McCain

#1: I don't like McCain
#2: I changed my registration to Independent
#3: I am not a member of the proletariat

No ZING necessary

Speaking of Hillary...

Has anyone heard anything from Bill lately?

ZING!

Politics On TV

Will somebody PLEASE lose the remote?

ZING!

Quirky Berkeley

From the Halls of Monetzuma,
To the shores of Berkeley;
At the distance orb called Luna,
They all stink like dirty Commies.

ZING!

Gitmo Prisoner Trial

Finally, after over five years have passed since 9/11, they're starting the process to bring some of those Gitmo bastards to trial.

Why did it take so long?

Why now? Maybe the Bush Administration is afraid Hillary will win and set them free?

ZING!

If You Elect Me As Your President, I Promise:

1. I'll take the handcuffs off the troops so we can kick shit and win the war in Iraq and get them home.

2. I will not appoint anyone to a cabinet-level post or to a Federal judgeship who is not fully qualified.

3. I will review and improve the ways that people can immigrate legally, and I will do everything within my power to prevent illegal immigration.

4. I will push to remove the Federal income tax and to replace it with a modified consumption tax so that the poor are not penalized.

5. I will work to restore State's rights and control over their own destinies.

6. I will refrain from interfering in the affairs of other countries, unless invited or unless they absolutely endanger the security of the nation.

7. I will support Freedom OF Religion and do everything possible to prevent those who would impose their atheism on our nation.

8. I will support anti-abortion measures except in cases of rape, incest or endangerment to the life of the mother.

9. I will pro-actively work to reduce the size of the Executive Branch of the Federal Government.

10. I will do everything within my power to encourage family values.

P.S. I'm not running.

ZING!

AFTER EIGHT MORE YEARS OF CLINTONS, THEN WHAT?

This great wise one who predicted 12 years ago that Hillary would be the first female President of the United States, now predicts that after she finishes her next eight years, Obama will be anointed by the Clinton machine as long as he picks Chelsea to be his VEEP. And THEN.......

Is this thrilling or not? Just think, you can go to bed tonight knowing what the next 24 years of political rule is going to be like in this country.

Sleep tight. I'M going to sleep tight.... VERY tight, right after I polish off this bottle of scotch.......

ZING!

If Everyone Who Is Pissed Off At The Republican Party Decides To Change Their Registration

There's not a registrar's office in the country that can handle the activity.

ZING

McCain Got 44% Of The California Republican Vote And He WON!

That means 56% of the Republicans voted against him. Yet, they would have us believe that he can beat Clinton in November when only 47% of the Democrats voted against HER.

Please pass the gray poop on.

ZING!

It's That Day When We Pick The Best Candidate...

Having sized up the runners in both parties, I have decided to pick my nose instead.

ZING!

As John Said To Jesus...

Get off your ass and go vote!

No Zing necessary.

It's SUPER TUESDAY!

I can't decide whether to do #1 or #2.

ZING!

Last Night I Prayed And Prayed Before I Went To Bed...

Dear Lord, when I awaken tomorrow please, please show me a LEADER! We need a LEADER!

This morning, I awoke and lo and behold.....

Jesse Ventura was on TV.

ZING!

New Democratic Party Jabberwocky

"Just think! This is the first time in American history that one of the people running for the Presidency will either be a woman or a black!"

Well, whoopeeeeeeee!

If that's all that matters, why didn't they just pick Oprah Winfrey?

ZING!

The Perfect Democratic Solution!

Ted and Hillary should kiss and make up, and then Ted can take Hillary for a nice drive across the bridge, and

ZINGO!

Chappa, Chappa!
Chappa, Chappa!
Chappa, Chappa!
Chappa Quidick!

What's This Flap About Bush Taking Off His Earrings?

ZING!

Clinton and McCain Are Very Close?

Bill says they are close friends?

Is Bill suggesting that, if McCain does not get the Republican nomination, he should consider switching parties so he can be her Vice President?

Is this a threesome, or what?

Zing

Bye, Bye Barack

Ted Kennedy endorsed him?

If I was Bill or Hillary, I'd have paid Ted $10,000,000 to endorse Barack!

ZING!

Too Young To Kill

He was under the legal age, so he did not understand the implications of what he was doing. Therefore, he was not culpable because there was no criminal intent. On that basis, the crime did not happen and the deceased is alive. I rest my case.

ZING!

HEY! All Of You Illegals! WAKE UP!!!!

GET OFF YOUR BUTTS! FORGET YOUR SIESTAS! HEAD FOR THE POLLS! VOTE FOR MCCAIN!

HE'LL keep this country from sending you back to Mexico!

VIVA MCCAIN!

ZING!

Republican Party Funeral Set For November

Since there are no conservatives left in the Republican Party, and since none of the front runners stands any chance whatsoever of beating either Hillary OR Barack, our next President will be chosen by ONLY the Democrats at their convention in July.

The Republican Party can eat shit and die.

No Zing, Just The Facts

Goodbye Mr. Thompson

I really did like you and thought you should stick around. But... Don't let the swingin' door hit you in the ass on the way out.

ZING!

'Tis The Season Of Politics: Snow Jobs Everywhere

Here in northern California, we got about 8 inches of snow last night, enough so that both dogs got cold wieners on their way to the bush!

'Tis too cold to Zing!

McCain Wins South Carolina?

How many votes did he get from illegals?

ZING!

What's All The Fuss About A Picture Of A Moose On The Cover Of GOLFWEEK MAGAZINE?

Oh. Now I get it. Some country clubs don't allow mooses on their golf courses?

ZING!

To A Detractor About Clinton

Upon careful evaluation of your asstoot statement by our highly qualified and professional staff, you should be reminded there are several months left before the Democratic National Convention. While our staff does concede that top Democratic Party officials and key office holders are flocking toward Obama like fleas deserting a sinking rat, and while labor and other influential organizations are also endorsing Obama, you can expect that hairsylist John Edwards and the other remaining candidates will go bye bye, leaving only Clinton and Obama in the running at convention time. But, as afraid of Clinton as they are, I don't think southern Democrats are ready for a black president and I don't think northern Democrats are ready for a black Muslim president, (study his background). Therefore, although the tide today appears in Obama's favor, the seeds of racism have been planted and they will sprout big and strong on the convention floor. So saieth the Lord Unknown Scribbler of the Twelfth and Almighty House of Prophecy.

ZING!

P.S. Whether or not she'll beat McCain remains to be seen.

If Obama Thinks Hillary's Playing Tough Now...

Wait until she's in office and he starts getting audited by the IRS.

ZING!

Writers Strike

Everyone's worried that there won't be anything worth watching on TV with the writers strike ongoing. I have over 100 channels and believe me, there wasn't anything worth watching on TV BEFORE the strike! Those guys DESERVE to be out of work! They couldn't write their collective ways out of a wet paper toilet tissue wrapper!

ZING!

Marine Officer's Defense

"So, your honor, she came over to my house thinking that I was going to propose to her. Instead, I told her it was over, that I was breaking it off for good. Man, she got really burned up over that!"

Zing!

The Zinger Endorses Candidate For President!

As long as every other Tom, Dick and Mary is endorsing someone, I figure why not?

My pick is Britney Spears. I pick her for the following outstanding characteristics, prerequisites it seems, for running for a political office:

1. Skillful liar
2. Psychotic behavior
3. Lack of morals
4. Complete absence of ethics
5. Big mouth
6. Name recognition

But, above all, she'll be a lot easier on the eyes than any of the other candidates. I can just picture her now, getting out of the Presidential limo.......

ZING!

Cause Of Britney Spears' Psychosis Revealed

Her breast implants are leaking.

Zing?

OJ Headed Back To The Can Can

Music to my ears.

Zing.

Obama Math

Washington Post reports campaign funds raised as 20,400,000, funds spent $21,500,000 and cash on hand $36,100,000 (round figures). Now, the way I read is, he's $1,100,000 short.

So, where did he get the $36,100,000 in cash?

Oh, I forgot. He's a Democrat.

ZING!

Hooters Read My Post!

They were so afraid that Hillary was going to lose and come to them for a job that they all jumped in cars, on buses, etc to rush to New Hampshire to vote for her!

And THAT's why the polls were wrong!

ZING!

Should Hillary Lose And Be Out Of Work, We Know Where She'll Never Get A Job

Hooters.

ZING, ZING, anda ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW In New Hampshire?

Somehow, I have the feeling that after all of the politicos leave New Hampshire after Tuesday's primaries, the residents there are going to be left shoveling more than snow......

ZING!

Rudy Finished Where?

What was his last name again?



ZING!

Hillary's Presidential Victory Speech Was Soooo Bad...

When she said, after her third-place finish in the Iowa primaries that, when elected President, she was going to restore America's leadership in moral leadership....

Even Brit Spears went on a bender.

ZING!